Setting Boundaries in Toxic Relationships
We all desire to be in healthy relationships, but sometimes we find ourselves in toxic ones. It can be difficult to extricate yourself from an unhealthy relationship, especially when it’s with your spouse. That’s why learning how to set boundaries is essential to loving yourself and protecting your emotional well-being. Here are some tips on setting boundaries, what constitutes healthy boundaries in marriage, and how to recognize covert emotional abuse.
What is a Boundary?
Before we go into the details of how to set boundaries in a toxic relationship, let’s first define what a boundary is. A boundary is essentially an invisible line that separates one person from another.
Boundaries are designed by God and biblical. We can see boundaries God designed throughout creation.
And God saw that the light was good. And God separated the light from the darkness.
Genesis 1:4
We see boundaries throughout the Bible. Many christians may believe that having boundaries is unloving. However, this could not be further from the truth!
Boundaries are not meant to control someone else, but are meant to give parameters and set limits on yourself. You are drawing a line on what is your responsibility and not your responsibility and ultimately where you begin and end.
Furthermore, boundaries are a way of protecting ourselves physically, emotionally, and mentally from hurtful words or actions. It allows us to determine what kind of behavior we will accept and what kind of behavior we will not accept. Setting healthy boundaries means respecting yourself enough to not allow anyone—including your spouse—to take advantage of you or treat you poorly without consequence.
Types of Boundaries
There are five types of boundaries in marriage: physical, emotional, time, material and sexual.
Physical boundaries
Physical boundaries involve physical contact such as hugging, kissing, or any other type of physical closeness between two people.
Emotional boundaries
Emotional boundaries involve communication about things like feelings, thoughts, and experiences in order to protect one’s sense of self-worth and self-esteem.
Time boundaries
Time boundaries involve use and organization of our time. For example, you may decide in your marriage to only discuss finances once/week or to have time set aside for a date night once/month.
Material boundaries
Material boundaries involve material things such as money, possessions and belongings. Examples of material boundaries may include not throwing out the other person’s belongings without their permission or deciding to have two separate bank accounts and one shared account.
Sexual boundaries
Sexual intimacy requires healthy boundaries that make a person feel safe and able to trust. Sexual boundaries include communicating what brings pleasure to each person and ideally how often sexual intimacy occurs.
It is important to establish all types of boundaries in order for each partner in the marriage to feel safe and respected by the other person.
What are Healthy Boundaries in Marriage?
Second, to understand how to set boundaries in a toxic relationship, we need to understand what healthy boundaries look like. Healthy boundaries should be based on mutual respect for each other’s needs and wants.
Examples of Healthy Boundaries Include:
- Respecting each other’s need for privacy
- Understanding when one person needs time alone or with friends
- Not using put-downs
- Not speaking disrespectfully to each other
- Being honest with one another about feelings and expectations.
What are Poor Boundaries in Marriage?
Poor boundaries often come from fear—fear of hurting the other person’s feelings or of not being accepted by them—or from feeling unable to express oneself honestly because of guilt or shame.
Examples of Poor Boundary Setting Include:
- Trying to control the other person’s behavior (e.g., through manipulation)
- Seeking approval at all costs even if it means sacrificing personal identity
- Refusing to take responsibility for one’s own emotions or choices
- Engaging in criticism and blame-shifting that leaves the partner feeling disrespected or unheard.
How to Set Boundaries in Toxic Relationships
Define your Toxic Relationship
Awareness is the first step to any kind of change. Knowledge is power. When you start setting boundaries, it is empowering to know what type of relationship you’re actually in.
This means identifying the toxic traits that define your current relationship as unhealthy, such as disrespect, manipulation, or controlling behavior. Once you have identified these traits, you can begin to take steps to create healthy boundaries. Learn more about toxic marriages in this blog post.
Set Clear Boundaries
Once you know what kind of behavior is unacceptable, it’s time to set clear boundaries with your partner. Make sure that your partner knows exactly what boundaries are being set and why they are necessary in order for them to respect them.
This may involve having tough conversations about why certain behaviors are not acceptable, but it’s important that these conversations happen if you want your boundaries to be respected. Be firm and clear about what kind of behavior will not be tolerated and let your partner know that these behaviors must change if the relationship is going to continue.
Examples of Boundaries Include:
- When you yell at me or the kids, I will leave the house with the kids for the evening.
- When you criticize me, I will walk out of the room. We can discuss the issue when you are calm and speaking respectfully to me.
- Calmly saying “I need to take a break, we can talk about this later” when arguments are getting heated and you can’t see right-side up anymore.
- Opening a new bank account when your spouse is being financially irresponsible and is not willing to work with you on the issue.
Recognize Boundary Busters
When you set and communicate your boundary, you will get one of two reactions.
- A willingness to respect and listen to your boundaries. A person with healthy boundaries themselves will more likely respect your boundaries. Some may not even realize how they’ve been crossing over your boundaries.
- An unwillingness to respect or listen to your boundaries; this person “fights” or pushes against the boundary. This type of person is what the book Boundaries in Marriage refers to as a “boundary buster.” This is more likely what you will experience in an unhealthy or toxic relationship.
A boundary buster may resist your boundaries by continuing to cross over them, push against them, try to talk you out of them, reject you, give you the silent treatment, try to retaliate and get even, or a number of other manipulative tactics. If this is the case, you may be in an emotionally abusive relationship.
Get Support for Yourself
If you have a boundary buster, you will need to get help and support for yourself to stand firm in your boundaries.
God made us for relationship. If our spouse is our main source for relationship and support and now they have taken that away due to us setting boundaries, it is so difficult, almost impossible to stand firm in our boundaries.
You will need some additional sources of healthy support.
Types of additional support may include:
- Going out with supportive friends once/week
- Seeing a counselor for yourself – make sure you find one that listens to you and helps you find clarity to your situation
- Joining a support group
Start seeking healthy relationships and support from others so you can continue on this road to health and healing. It is so worth it in the end, but it can be a hard long road. Having support will help you to stand firm when it gets lonely and hard.
Recognizing Covert Emotional Abuse
Covert emotional abuse is a form of psychological manipulation where a person uses subtle means such as passive aggression or gaslighting to manipulate their partner into accepting their own version of reality without realizing it.
Signs that you may be experiencing covert emotional abuse include feeling disrespected by your partner, feeling like you are constantly walking on eggshells around them, feeling like you have lost your sense of self-worth due to their criticisms and put-downs, or constantly questioning your own judgment because they suggest that you are wrong so often.
Setting boundaries can be hard but it is essential for our emotional wellbeing when we find ourselves in a toxic relationship. It’s important to remember that while setting clear limits can help protect us emotionally, we must also remember our partner’s feelings, as well as our own needs, when communicating our expectations within the relationship.
Being able to recognize poor boundaries as well as signs of covert emotional abuse will help us create stronger relationships based on mutual respect and love – something we all deserve!
Awareness is the first step in health and healing. If you are wondering if you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, check out my Blessings and Cursings FREE starter guide to discover the red flags of covert emotional abuse.
Are you starting to set boundaries in your relationship? What have you done so far and how did it go? Let me know in the comments below, I’d love to be praying for you and cheering you on!
