What Bitterness in Your Marriage May Be Telling You

What Bitterness Looks Like – An Example

I recognized I had become bitter in my marriage. Bitterness is a hard emotion to identify. I was so angry and that anger was eating me up inside. It was hard for me to have joy in my daily life anymore and I was the kind of person who usually saw the glass half full.

However, my husband had gotten fired from his job. That wasn’t the part I was bitter about. Sure, it was his own irresponsible choices that led to him getting fired, but I was forgiving of that. What led to bitterness, was the fact that he wasn’t pursuing any other potential jobs. Not looking at jobs, not working on resumes, not doing anything.

Unresolved Problems Lead to Bitterness

When I tried to ask him about this very concerning lack of pursuit, he became completely defensive, blew up at me. How dare I ask him or express my concerns about his absent job hunt. How dare I question his manhood. What kind of man would he be if he allowed us to go without. How could I even question him about that?

So, I took the bait. I felt guilty for even questioning him. I started off thinking I had a right to be concerned. I ended up feeling stuck, alone and guilty. I must have disrespected him somehow, and now it is my fault.

Then I started to feel hopeless. I was between a rock and a hard place. As I watched our padded savings dwindle down week after week, month after month, I felt desperate.

Under Functioning and Over Functioning

So, I took his burdens on myself to try and find solutions. I did what therapists call over functioning. My husband was under functioning – not taking on responsibilities that were his to own and be accountable for. And I was over functioning, taking on responsibilities and burdens that weren’t mine to carry.

Yet each solution I presented to my husband was another slap in the face to him. How dare I try to solve this, this was his to solve. I wanted to scream, then solve it! Do something about it.

But no way, I didn’t dare express my anger towards him. I didn’t dare bring my feelings of concern to him. Every time I did it ended in chaos and confusion. What just happened. I started with my concerns, but ended feelings so guilty and lost. There was no progress on his end, no effort. I was going crazy inside.

I became so angry inside, but had no resolution to this problem. Each problem and concern left open, no resolve. That’s what happens when anger is not dealt with. It leads to resentment and bitterness.

Listen to Yourself

Bitterness is a deep emotion to pay attention to. Start listening to yourself, and why you’re angry. Most likely there is a valid reason for your anger, and it needs to be dealt with somehow.

Practice listening to yourself and your emotions instead of pushing them down. I know, it’s so hard to listen to yourself when no one around you seems to be listening.

However, this is where you got to get strong. God hears you. He sees what you are going through. He is El Roi, the God who sees and knows all things, and is always with you.

“You are the God who sees me.”

Gen 16:13

Your emotions are trying to tell you something. It may mean something deeper is going on in your relationship. It may be a sign that you are being emotionally abused.

Understanding Emotional Abuse

When it comes to understanding emotional abuse, it can be hard to spot the signs because they are often subtle and difficult to identify. An emotional abuser may have only one of these traits. Even having one of these areas can mean it’s emotional abuse. Often there are more than one of these traits.

Emotional abuse includes using tactics like control, angry outbursts, blame-shifting, guilt trips, silent treatments, gas-lighting, belittling and constant criticism. Emotional abuse can take on many different forms such as financial irresponsibility, sexual sin – sexual affairs, demanding or rejecting sex from you, addiction to pornography. It may also include other addictions – workaholic, alcohol and drug addict.

If you recognize any of these behaviors in your marriage, it’s important to find support and a therapist who listens to you and can bring you clarity and insight to your situation. If at all possible find a therapist who specializes in emotional abuse. Check out the Marriage Recovery Center for therapists and programs they offer that specialize in covert emotional abuse.

The first step of healing and health in your life and marriage is awareness. You cannot change what you don’t understand or recognize as the actual problem. If you would like to find out more about what covert emotional abuse is, and the baby steps you can start taking today for healing and freedom, check out my Blessings & Cursings Workbook.

Now it’s your turn, after reading this post, what have you learned about bitterness in your marriage? Leave a reply below, I would love to know and be praying for you!