Confronting Unhealthy Behavior: A Journey of Healing

My goal is to answer a reader’s question once a month. You can submit your question by clicking here.

Today’s Question is:

I’ve separated from my husband for the second time. I am not sure I have been able to confront his unhealthy behavior in a very clear and direct way because he does not seem to be able to recognize it. He is very good at pointing back at me or turning the conversation to something else, thereby avoiding accountability, though I’m not sure he’s really aware that’s he’s doing it. Would you mind sharing how you handled this with your husband? We are still pursuing counseling so I’m hoping having that safe place will help me be honest and straightforward with him.

I also began my healing journey a long time ago, when I was trying to make sense of what I was experiencing. I’ve done a lot of work in regards to identifying lies of the enemy that I’ve been believing and replacing them with God’s truth. I was wondering if you could recommend a book or two on working on my identity in Christ. Thank you again for sharing. This can feel really isolating at times, and while I’m not glad you’ve had to go through this, I’m glad to know that I’m not alone.

Today’s Answer is:

Thank you so much for opening up and sharing this with me! I hear you and validate what you have gone through. It is such a tough trial, and as you said it can be very isolating. I just want to encourage you that God is with you every step of the way, and there are so many women going through similar struggles, as you said it helps to know we are not alone in this fight! You have been doing a lot of hard work to get healing for yourself…I’m so proud of you and keep up the hard work!

As for how I approached my husband, I know it was the Holy Spirit giving me the strength and courage to confront him and I basically had an intervention with him. I had a mental list, but I would recommend actually writing out what it is like living with him.

So for me, my mental list was, it’s like living with Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, I was never sure what version of my husband I was going to get. I let him know the effects it was having on me – losing my hair, having insomnia and other health issues.

I spoke truth with love. I told him what he was doing and the way he treated me was not healthy for me and the kids. That it was emotional abuse.

Lastly, I set a clear boundary – I needed him to get help with the Marriage Recovery Center – a resource that offers group classes for emotionally abusive men – by the end of the month or move out. (I was prepared to move out to live with my mom if he wasn’t willing to move out).

I had no idea how he was going to react, respond, etc. I also had a safety plan for numbers of those I could call in an emergency situation. I didn’t think he would become dangerous, however, you never know with an abuser.

I knew I was not going to continue going off the deep end with him anymore. I had had enough, and I was determined to live in truth and reality and get healthy for me and my kids regardless of what he decided or not.

I am thankful and give all the glory to God that he did choose to have a repentant heart. However, I know that is not always the case. In fact, I think that is rather a rare exception than the norm. But I knew continuing on the same path would ensure that nothing would change, because nothing changes if we change nothing.

To recap, here are the steps for an intervention:

1. Write down all the ways of what it’s like to live with him.

2. Pray over your list and pray over the timing of it.

3. Share with your spouse in truth and love what you wrote down. This may include the effects of living with him, calling out and naming what he did – bringing truth to the darkness.

3. Clearly state your boundary – what you need and want, and what you will do if he’s not willing.

4. Be prepared for anything. Expect him to get defensive, blame-shift or do a number of other manipulative and abusive tactics. If this is the case, disengage and walk away. Don’t take the bait by arguing, defending, justifying or explaining. That only takes you deeper into a crazy cycle. Walk away, and get to a place where you can calm down, and figure out the truth of what happened.

Now if my spouse had done the class but had no heart change I would still have separated from him. However, I did see a change from the beginning and it was night and day. It wasn’t perfect and he continued to take a few steps forward and then a step back, but overall he continued progressing forward.

I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I know these are tough decisions to make. May God be with you and give you the strength and courage to continue living in truth and reality and focus on what YOU can do to continue growing and healing.

As for books, I love Defined by the Kendrick brothers for placing our identity in Christ.

Other amazing books I would recommend are:

Dealing with the Crazy Makers in your Life – David Hawkins

The Emotionally Destructive Marriage – Leslie Vernick

Boundaries in Marriage – Cloud, Townsend

To submit your own question, click here.

For more help in doing your part to heal and get emotionally healthy, check out the Healing Journey workbook here