Anchored in Hope: How to Identify an Emotionally Destructive Marriage
I’m excited to announce a new series addressing the top questions from Christian women like you who are in emotionally destructive marriages or wondering if their marriage is healthy. I’m calling it “Anchored in Hope: Guidance for Emotionally Destructive Marriages.” You can submit your own question here, and I may answer it in an upcoming newsletter or blog post. Rest assured, your identity will be kept anonymous and protected. If you want to be added to my email list to get this series, grab my free guide here.
So, let’s dive in.
Question 1 – How do I know if my marriage is emotionally destructive?
I remember constantly questioning if my marriage was emotionally abusive. I thought, “Maybe my marriage is just really difficult,” or “My spouse is just more challenging than most.” I often felt alone and confused, wondering if this was normal or acceptable. I wanted to be a good Christian wife, and I still uphold the values and commitments of marriage.
I spent hours googling and researching emotionally abusive marriages, looking for Christian advice. Whenever I found something that didn’t exactly match my situation, I concluded it wasn’t abuse—it was just really, really difficult. Most articles about emotional abuse talked about name-calling or cursing, which I wasn’t experiencing. So, I thought, “This isn’t me. It must not be abuse.” I also told myself, “Well, he’s not hitting me, so I guess I have to endure this. This must be the kind of selfless surrender the Lord wants from me.”
What I didn’t realize was that there’s something called covert emotional abuse. This type of abuse is so subtle that the abuser still looks good to the outside world. Everyone loved my husband; they thought he was the greatest guy. He worked at church and often received praises. His co-workers would tell me how lucky I was, how hardworking he was. But in my mind, I kept thinking, “If you only knew.” Everything happened behind closed doors. I got the brunt of it, and then my kids started to see it too. My closest family could see and hear what was going on and tried to tell me. I remember my mom even saying, “It’s for sure emotional abuse.”
While my friends talked about their husbands not taking out the trash or planning their next vacation, I was trying to figure out how to keep my family afloat. We couldn’t pay our bills. My husband worked a low-income job and wasn’t seeking better employment. Every time I brought it up, he blew up defensively, making me feel like the bad wife for doubting him. When I suggested solutions like me getting part-time work or applying for food stamps, he’d explode or give me the silent treatment for weeks. I felt completely stuck and had no idea what to do. Is this what it means to be a Christian wife? Just stand by my man while he destroys our finances?
After years of enduring this, losing our home, moving repeatedly, and seeking help from multiple counselors, I finally found the Marriage Recovery Center—a godsend. I reached my limit and, most importantly, I became aware. I woke up to the reality that this was emotional abuse, and it was not okay. I brought it up to my fourth counselor in two years. She was another godsend—the first Christian counselor who truly listened to me and validated my experience. She affirmed that yes, this was emotional abuse, and it was not okay.
So, I share all this to say, I get it. You want to be sure it’s abuse. It’s crucial to recognize it.
This list is not exhaustive, and you don’t need to experience all these signs to be in an emotionally destructive marriage. Even one of these behaviors can indicate abuse. Also, anyone can be emotionally abusive—man, woman, parent, etc. However, since I help Christian women overcome emotionally destructive marriages, I will be focusing on the husband being emotionally abusive.
If you are becoming aware this is abuse, I understand how disturbing and upsetting that can be. I encourage you to seek help from a trusted, specialized counselor, mentor, friend, or coach. I’m here to support you as a sister in Christ, mentor, and certified life coach.
Here are my top 10 signs that you are in an emotionally destructive marriage:
The Top 10 Signs of an Emotionally Destructive Relationship
- Controlling Behavior:
- They try to control every aspect of your life, from what you wear and who you hang out with to how you load the dishwasher. You can’t have an opinion different from theirs, and they dictate what you believe and what you say.
- Constant Criticism:
- They criticize you endlessly—whether it’s about how you keep the house, the way you parent, your appearance, or your weight. Nothing you do is ever good enough, and you never measure up to their standards or expectations.
- Financial Irresponsibility:
- They play the victim, refuse to take responsibility, or bounce from job to job. They can’t keep a job or are inconsistent with working. They spend money without accountability and refuse to work together with you on financial issues.
- Sexual Issues:
- They might have affairs, porn addictions, or emotional affairs. They expect you to have sex whenever they want or, at the opposite end of the spectrum, they refuse sex when you want it. They may use sex as a tool for rejection and control.
- Defensiveness:
- They are thin-skinned and get defensive whenever you bring up any issues, even when you bring it up in the gentlest way. They deny, argue, blame-shift, rage, and make you feel like it’s your fault. They might say things like, “You’re the one who’s controlling,” or “You’re just as much at fault as I am.”
- Unreliability:
- Their words don’t match their actions. They tell you one thing and do another. You can’t trust their promises—they don’t look for work when they say they will or do the taxes when they promised or pick up the kids when they said they would. You can’t rely on them.
- Lack of Transparency:
- They lack integrity and honesty. They lie and act hypocritically. You wouldn’t dare bring it up for fear of being punished, so you end up losing your voice. They act like Dr. Hekyll and Mr. Hyde. You never know what version you’ll get, That’s because they are hiding, showing one face to the world and another at home. You never see who they truly are. They probably don’t even know who they are.
- Lack of Empathy:
- They are selfish and don’t empathize with your struggles. They avoid discussing feelings and don’t care about your point of view. They just tell you what to do and move on, showing no concern for your emotional well-being.
- Creating Confusion:
- When confronted, they turn the blame on you, invalidate your feelings, talk over you, and make jokes at your expense. They accuse you of being too sensitive and use manipulative tactics like blame-shifting, gaslighting, and dismissiveness. Their perception is not reality.
- Spiritual Manipulation:
- They twist spiritual truths to make you feel guilty and ashamed, saying things like, “You need to submit to me,” or “You need to forgive me,” while not practicing or following God’s truth themselves.
If you identify with any of these signs in your relationship, it’s essential to acknowledge the reality of your situation. Recognizing that you are in an emotionally destructive relationship is the initial step toward seeking assistance and embarking on a journey of healing.
If any of this resonates with you, I encourage you to take proactive steps toward implementation and growth:
Step One: Take a courageous leap forward and submit your own questions here.
Step Two: Keep an eye out for my Healing Journey Workbook, which will be available for sale soon—stay tuned for updates!
Step Three: If you’re interested in exploring coaching opportunities, please fill out the form here.
Let’s journey together towards healing and freedom. Remember, you are not alone, and there is hope.
“When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:17-18
In His strength,
Kristin
