What does the Bible say about enduring emotional abuse in marriage?
I just started a new email series a couple weeks ago addressing the top questions from Christian women like you who are in emotionally destructive marriages or wondering if their marriage is healthy. I’m calling it “Anchored in Hope: Guidance for Emotionally Destructive Marriages.” You can submit your own question here, and I may answer it in an upcoming newsletter or blog post. Rest assured, your identity will be kept anonymous and protected. To check out last week’s question and answer visit the post here: How to Identify an Emotionally Destructive Marriage
So on to this week’s question is
What does the Bible say about enduring emotional abuse in marriage?
When I first realized I was being emotionally abused by my husband, I earnestly wanted to know what the Bible said about it. I believe deeply in the commitment and covenant of marriage, and I love God and His word. So, I often wondered, what is God’s view of emotional abuse within a marriage?
In my search for answers, I discovered Leslie Vernick, and one of the biggest aha moments I had from her was this:
God does not value your marriage more than He values you.
That was huge! I had attended countless Bible studies, listened to sermons, read Christian marriage books, and gone to Christian marriage summits where the prevailing message was to stay married no matter how your spouse treated you. Unless infidelity or physical abuse was involved (and some pastors and teachers even debated this), you were expected to stay, even if it meant being miserable for the rest of your life. There was this idea that surrendering, self-sacrifice, and even holiness were found in enduring a hard, even destructive, marriage.
But when I realized that God does not value the entity of marriage over the value of me as a person, it finally gave me the freedom to pursue His best will for me.
You see, I wasn’t actually living God’s will by remaining quiet and pretending everything was okay. That was a lie, and God is all about truth. I wasn’t living God’s truth by enabling my husband, being passive, remaining silent, and slowly dying inside. God holds each person accountable, and He requires us to stand up for justice and truth. His will is for me to be a whole person who can live with joy and fulfill His purposes in spreading His light and love to those around me. I couldn’t do that if I was slowly disappearing and losing my voice, not recognizing myself because I had given so much of myself to my husband and our marriage problems.
I wasn’t living God’s will by passively accepting my husband’s sin. I was enabling it. It wasn’t submission; it was passivity. Those are two different things!
I wasn’t worshipping God as my one and true God. I was worshipping my marriage and prioritizing everything around it. My marriage had become my idol, and no matter how unhealthy or destructive it had become, I thought I was supposed to suffer and be miserable to save it.
But there’s even a false hope in that. Even if I had continued to be passive and accept all my husband was doing to “save” the marriage, it wouldn’t have saved it at all.
Because things continued to get worse and worse. That’s the thing about being passive in marriage. We think we are submitting and doing God’s will, but we are only enabling and allowing things to deteriorate.
I define love as choosing what is best for the other person. If I truly loved and valued my husband, I would stand up for truth with love and say, “This is not okay. This cannot continue. I need you to get help, or there will be consequences for what is happening.” Truth and respect are love. That is sacrificial love. In the end, I knew that the path my husband was on was not only destructive to me and the children but also to himself. He was lost and hurting. Hurt people hurt people. But that doesn’t excuse it or make it okay.
In fact, shortly after I realized my husband was emotionally abusing me, I woke up with this thought dominating my mind: “Have a heart for your husband.” What, Lord? I had been so angry at my husband that I had no desire to have a heart for him. But over time, I realized God was showing me to speak up with truth and love because that was the most loving thing I could do for him.
So, what else does the Bible say about emotional abuse? Well, quite a lot! And while this isn’t an exhaustive list, I’ve begun with five principles that God holds regarding emotional abuse, according to the Bible.
Five Biblical Principles Regarding Emotional Abuse
God Values Human Dignity:
One foundational principle is that God values the dignity and worth of every individual. Emotional abuse violates this principle by diminishing a person’s sense of self-worth and identity. As such, God opposes actions that degrade or mistreat others, affirming the intrinsic value of each person as His creation. Every individual is created in the image of God, underscoring their inherent dignity and worth.
“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”
Genesis 1:27
God Calls Us to Be Wise Stewards:
God calls us to be wise stewards of our well-being, body, mind, spirit, and soul. By allowing emotional abuse to continue, we cannot thrive in that environment. Neither can our children, spouse, or marriage. This is not being wise with what God has given us. It is wise to live in reality and truth, recognize abusive behaviors, and seek safety and refuge.
“The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.”
Proverbs 27:12
God Desires Justice:
God’s concern for justice and His role as a protector of the oppressed remind individuals that God sees their suffering and offers refuge to those who are oppressed.
“Thus says the Lord: Do justice and righteousness, and deliver from the hand of the oppressor him who has been robbed. And do no wrong or violence to the resident alien, the fatherless, and the widow, nor shed innocent blood in this place.”
Jer 22:3
God’s Call for Love and Compassion:
Throughout the Bible, God calls His followers to love one another and show compassion. Emotional abuse, characterized by manipulation, control, and demeaning behavior, stands in direct contrast to these principles of love and compassion. God desires relationships characterized by kindness, empathy, and mutual respect.
“Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.”
1 Peter 3:8-9
God’s Promise of Healing and Restoration:
God offers hope and healing to those who have experienced emotional abuse. His love is transformative, bringing healing to wounded hearts and restoration to broken relationships. Recognizing the harm caused by emotional abuse, God calls individuals to seek help, find support, and pursue paths of healing and restoration, trusting in His grace and guidance along the way.
“The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18
If this resonated with you, it’s time for implementation and growth:
- Take a brave step and comment one “aha” moment from this message.
- Also, grab my free Blessings & Cursings Guide here.
- And if you’re looking for someone to share and talk with who truly understands, consider applying for coaching here.
In His strength, Kristin
