Dealing with Guilt and Shame in Marriage
How do I deal with feelings of guilt and shame about my marriage’s state?
Oh this is a hard one. Dealing with guilt and shame about my marriage’s state is incredibly challenging. I’ll be honest: even though my spouse sought help two years ago, I’ve noticed some old patterns returning. It’s all too easy to spiral into feelings of guilt and shame about our marriage. This wasn’t the loving, respectful relationship I had hoped for, where my spouse and I were best friends, supporting each other. Instead, I find myself grappling with negative thoughts and emotions.
It’s easy to become overwhelmed by guilt and shame about my marriage’s state. However, I’ve discovered some steps that have helped me manage these overwhelming feelings, which I refer to as the ARC method:
3 Steps to Deal with Guilt and Shame: The ARC Method
A – Awareness
This is where we take a pause to realize what we’re even feeling. Often, we just continue with our day without taking the time to become aware of what’s going on inside us. When I start to feel sad, hurt, disappointed, guilty, or depressed, I’ve been training myself to pause and just become aware of what I’m feeling. This is not to feel guilty or condemn myself about how I feel, just to get curious with myself. Our emotions can give us lots of information and can be indicators of something deeper going on.
R – Reflect
This is where I start to notice my thoughts and feelings. After becoming aware, I ask myself, What am I thinking? I tend to notice my feelings first, but others might notice their thoughts first. It doesn’t matter which comes first for you—just take some time to reflect and ask yourself some questions. What do I notice about the situation? (These are just stating the facts—I notice my husband is starting to go back to some old patterns. I notice he’s isolating himself. I notice he’s reacting in anger more. Just observe and take note of the facts.) Or, I notice I feel resentful, angry, bitter. Then take notice of what you’re thinking. I’m thinking I won’t put up with this again. I’m thinking I need to take care of myself right now.
I love to do this kind of reflection with God. I pray and talk to Him about these three areas—what I’m feeling, what I’m thinking, and what the situation is. He always leads me to the truth!
C – Choose
Now I get to choose. Part of this is recognizing and understanding what is true and not true about our thoughts and feelings. It might be true—like my spouse distancing himself, becoming more critical, more angry, and realizing yes, he is going back to old patterns. Sometimes it’s not true, like when we feel guilty about our marriage not working; we might be blaming ourselves for actions our spouse took. If it’s not true, we can ask God for what is true, meditate on that truth, and release the lies to Him. If it is true, we can ask God for help with our next best step.
My favorite question is this: If it is true, then what does that mean for you? For me, I realized I needed to take care of myself and take whatever steps necessary to stay emotionally safe. It can be a hard reality, but healthy people live in truth and reality.
In these moments of choosing, remember Isaiah 41:10:
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Isa 41:10
God promises to be with you, to strengthen you, and to help you as you navigate these choices. You are not alone—He is holding you up with His righteous right hand.
Let Go of Guilt and Shame About My Marriage’s State and Trust God
This is where we take all that we’ve uncovered—our awareness, our reflections, our choices—and place them in God’s hands. We can hold our guilt and shame up to God and ask for His help in processing, surrendering, and releasing them to Him. While healthy guilt helps us feel bad about what we’ve done and can lead us to learn, grow, and self-correct, unhealthy guilt and shame cause us to feel bad about who we are.
One final point to remember when you’re feeling that unhealthy guilt or shame about your marriage: don’t buy into the lie that you are responsible for your husband or the entire marriage. While it’s true we are responsible for our part in the marriage, we are not responsible for our husband’s part—his actions, reactions, thoughts, emotions, choices, etc. Because of this, we cannot carry the weight of the whole marriage on our shoulders. It takes two people working together with love, respect, and reciprocity to make a healthy marriage work.
Key Takeaways
- Identify Your Responsibilities: Understand what you are truly responsible for in your marriage and what you are not. This clarity helps in avoiding unnecessary guilt and blame.
- Practice ARC (Awareness, Reflect, Choose): Regularly pause to become aware of your feelings, reflect on the truth of your thoughts and situation, and choose your next steps with God’s guidance.
- Trust and Release: Let go of unhealthy guilt and shame by surrendering them to God. Trust Him to guide you through the process of healing and making wise decisions for your emotional and spiritual well-being.
If this resonated with you, it’s time for implementation and growth:
Step One: Ask yourself these questions: What am I responsible for? What am I not responsible for? Brainstorm as many as you can think of.
Step Two: Use and journal the ARC steps this week—become aware of your feelings and thoughts, reflect on what you are noticing in the situation, thoughts, and feelings, asking what is true, and choose—What does this mean for me? What can I do this week to take care of myself?
Step Three: Let go and trust God with the outcome. Spend time in prayer, asking Him to help you release any unhealthy guilt or shame and to guide you in your next steps.
I hope this brings clarity and peace to you if you’re struggling with these heavy emotions. Remember, you are not alone, and there is a way forward, one step at a time.
For more resources:
This has been a part of a series where I am addressing top questions from Christian women like you who are in emotionally destructive marriages or wondering if their marriage is healthy. I titled it “Anchored in Hope: Guidance for Emotionally Destructive Marriages.” You can submit your own question here, and I may answer it in an upcoming newsletter or blog post. Rest assured, your identity will be kept anonymous and protected. To make sure you receive this email series, join the newsletter here and grab your free Blessings and Cursings Guide.
To check out previous weeks’ questions and answers visit the blog posts here:
How to Identify an Emotionally Destructive Marriage
What Does God Say About Emotional Abuse?
What are the First Steps to Take When I Realize my Marriage is Emotionally Abusive?
How can I be a good Christian wife while setting boundaries?
How Can I Find my Voice and Express my Needs in my Marriage?
In His strength,
Kristin
P.S. I’ve been prayerfully working behind the scenes on a course specifically designed for Christian women like you. My heart is to help you move from feeling hurt, confused, and lonely in your marriage to living in the truth, healing, and freedom that God desires for you. I’m both excited and a little nervous 😬, but I trust that this will be a powerful journey for us. I can’t wait to share more with you in the coming months!
