I’ve been diving into an email series addressing top questions from Christian women like you who are in emotionally destructive marriages or wondering if their marriage is healthy. I titled it “Anchored in Hope: Guidance for Emotionally Destructive Marriages.” One of the most pressing topics I’ve come across is how to achieve financial balance in marriage when control takes over. ​​You can submit your own question here​, and I may answer it in an upcoming newsletter or blog post. Rest assured, your identity will be kept anonymous and protected.

To check out previous weeks’ questions and answers visit the blog posts here:

​How to Identify an Emotionally Destructive Marriage​

​What Does God Say About Emotional Abuse?​

​What are the First Steps to Take When I Realize my Marriage is Emotionally Abusive?​

Now, on to this week’s question from a reader:

How Do We Find Financial Balance When Control Has Taken Over?

Here’s the question:

I see from definitions of Financial Abuse that my spouse is controlling. He requires me to write down into a checkbook format every receipt, every penny accounted for, and I have to ask for paper receipts—even though they show up on the statement and I can see them online. He cherry-picks advice from Dave Ramsey, and we’ve often struggled to have enough for groceries, causing food insecurity that still affects my kids. He won’t let me have credit cards, even ones to my favorite stores, or any outside of our joint bank account. I’ve gotten them anyway and feel “rebellious” for doing so. I get “in trouble” for buying clothes or items to beautify our home, and sometimes I’ve spent money out of spite. It feels like we’re both financially abusive in different ways. How can we find a middle ground and shift our behaviors to something healthier?

First, thank you for sharing your heart so openly. What you’re going through is so hard, and I want you to know it’s okay to feel frustrated, angry, or confused about where to go from here. Financial control can be incredibly painful, and recognizing that there are unhealthy dynamics on both sides is a big first step. Achieving financial balance in marriage is essential to fostering respect and partnership instead of control and resentment.

Step 1 to Finding Financial Balance – Reflect on What You’ve Tried

I am wondering if you have had an honest conversation with your spouse about how this financial control makes you feel or what it’s like to live with him with this? If not, take a moment to think about whether you feel safe doing that. Safety—both physical and emotional—comes first, so only consider this step if it feels secure.

If you feel safe, perhaps you could share how living under this financial control affects you. You might say something like: “It feels like I don’t have any room to breathe or make decisions that matter to me. I’m willing to own where I’ve messed up, too, and I need some things to change for both of us to feel more respected and heard.”

You could also ask your spouse, “Is there space in our relationship for me to have choices and freedom when it comes to financial decisions?” Listen closely to his answer.

Step 2 to Finding Financial Balance in Marriage: Explore What You Need for More Freedom

If your spouse is open to it, brainstorm what would give you more independence and create financial balance in marriage. Maybe it’s having your own budget for things you love, like clothes or household items. Maybe it’s setting aside a set amount of “no-questions-asked” money for each of you.

But if your spouse is unwilling to meet you halfway or refuses to acknowledge how this has impacted you, the next question is: What does that mean for you? It’s time to brainstorm your options, even if they seem far-fetched or unrealistic at first. Some possibilities might include:

• Setting up your own separate bank account.
• Finding a way to earn your own income if you don’t already have one (even part-time work or side gigs).
• Creating your own budget, even if your spouse won’t work with you.
• If needed, opening a credit card in your name and deciding that you are willing to let your spouse be upset.
• Saying “no” to your spouse for accounting for every penny, etc.

Does it feel like he’s treating you more like a child than an equal partner? If so, you may need to decide what you will and won’t continue to accept. For example: “I will review the budget with you once a week, I won’t keep every receipt. We can look at our spending together online. I won’t account for every penny, I will track it in a way that works for me.”

Then, it’s about following through with these boundaries.

Remember, setting boundaries around finances is a vital step toward achieving financial balance in marriage. Clear, respectful boundaries ensure both partners feel heard and valued.

Step 3 to Finding Financial Balance in Marriage – Getting Support and Staying Accountable

This is huge, friend. Speaking up and setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you’re used to keeping the peace or doing whatever it takes to avoid conflict. It’s normal to feel anxious or uncertain when standing up for what you need, but remember, you don’t have to do it alone. Surround yourself with support. Trusted friends, family, or even a counselor can hold you accountable and give you the courage to keep moving forward, even when it’s tempting to back down. The Bible reminds us of the importance of having a strong support network: “Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.” (Proverbs 11:14)

Your spouse might not like these changes. In fact, he probably won’t—especially if he’s been used to getting his way when it comes to finances. Control can be hard to let go of, but if things are going to change, you’ve got to be willing to take new steps. Doing the same things only enables controlling behavior to continue—and often get worse over time. The Bible encourages us to not just recognize a problem and then walk away without addressing it. In James 1:23-24, it says: “For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like.”

If we want things to change, we can’t just see what’s wrong and then ignore it, hoping things will improve on their own. We have to be willing to be courageous and take new steps, even if it means our spouse becomes unhappy with us or tries to punish us in some way. Their response gives us valuable information and helps us decide how we will move forward.

Reframing “Rebellion” as a Desire for Freedom

What might feel like rebellion could actually be your longing for financial balance in marriage—a healthy desire to contribute to financial decisions and feel respected as an equal.

It’s not wrong to desire financial freedom and respect in your relationship. If you calmly and firmly state: “I know you want our finances secure, and I respect that. However, I also need some freedom. If you’re not willing to work with me, I will set up my own account or credit card and manage it myself,” that’s not acting out of spite—that’s you advocating for yourself in a healthy way. The Bible encourages us to respond to difficult situations with courage and grace, reminding us: “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:21)

Step 4: Prepare for How You Want to Show Up

Before having this conversation, think about how you want to show up. Write down your three top words that describe how you desire to show up. Perhaps it’s something like calm, understanding, courageous. Keep those words in mind. If things get heated or your spouse starts blaming you, have a plan to stay true to your values. Maybe it’s saying, “I need a 20-minute break, and we can come back to this later if you’d like.”

It’s also super helpful to write out what you want to say to your spouse and practice it. This can help you feel more confident and keep the conversation calm and focused. Starting with “I’ve noticed” is a great way to introduce the topic without accusing or blaming, which can often put people on the defensive.

For example, you might say: “I’ve noticed that over the years, the way our finances are dealt with between us has felt controlling to me. I take ownership of my part for not speaking up, and I am learning how to share what I need and want. Can we have a conversation about our finances and how we can move forward in a way that works for both of us?”

If your spouse is willing to have this conversation, you could then share: “First, I’d like to express some of the ways I’ve felt and what it’s been like for me to live in this relationship when it comes to finances. I have felt controlled, disrespected, and like I don’t have a voice when it comes to spending. I would like to have more choices and want to brainstorm possible solutions together.”

Remember, you don’t have to justify, argue, defend, or explain (JADE). If the conversation spirals, take that break and only come back to it when things are calmer. The Bible gives us wise guidance on this: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1) Staying calm and composed can make a big difference, even if it means taking time to regroup before continuing.

You Are Worthy of Respect

I hope you know you are worthy of a financial partnership that feels respectful and balanced. Finding financial balance in marriage isn’t just about money—it’s about fostering a relationship built on mutual respect, shared goals, and God’s guidance for your partnership.

If your spouse isn’t willing to work toward that with you, you can still take steps to create more freedom for yourself. It won’t be easy, but you have what it takes. Remember, you are never alone in this. “God is within her; she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.” (Psalm 46:5) Even when the path feels uncertain, God’s strength and presence are with you, giving you the courage to stand firm and move forward.

I’m cheering you on, friend. Take small, brave steps, and lean into the support you need.

If this resonated with you here’s a way to implement your learning:

Action Step: Take Time to Prepare and Practice Before having an important conversation, try writing out what you want to say. Think about how you want to express yourself calmly and confidently, and practice delivering your message. Also, consider how you want to show up in that moment—maybe with calm, understanding, and courage. Preparing ahead can make a big difference in how the conversation unfolds.

In His strength, Kristin