Finding Your Voice in Marriage: My Journey

I distinctly remember a time after having my fifth child, going to counseling for problems in my marriage, and looking in the mirror. The lady staring back at me looked tired, worn, older, with more wrinkles, and was a woman I just didn’t recognize. Who was I? And how did I get to this point?

After years of counseling, coaching, support groups, accountability groups, and just lots of hard work on myself, I can now with joy and confidence look in the mirror and know who I am.

Who Are You?

I am empathetic. God created me with love and compassion for others. I have always been an empath since I was young and believe that is part of the makeup God gave me. It is a gift, although I’ve learned it’s important to take my time trusting and not just give myself away.

I am also courageous. That doesn’t mean I’m never afraid. In fact, I am afraid every day. But I trust God enough and step out in faith to do those scary things, despite the fear. That’s what being courageous is.

And I am authentic. I am real, honest, transparent with others, about my journey of where I’ve been and where I am now.

I am still a work in progress (aren’t we all?), but I can say with confidence that I know way more about who I am now than who I was five years ago when I felt completely hopeless, lost, confused, and stuck in a destructive marriage.

So how did I find my voice again? And how did I learn to use that voice to express my needs and wants in my marriage? Well, as I said, it was a long journey and took a lot of support, but I will break it down for you in four main steps.

4 Steps: Finding your voice in marriage

Step One: Stewardship:

This was my first step in discovering my voice again. After having five children, homeschooling, and trying to be the perfect wife, I had completely lost who I was. I had stopped doing things I enjoyed. I thought I had become a godly, submissive wife, but I had actually become passive and enabled my husband’s unhealthy behavior. He saw me as a role instead of a human being. My kids started to see me that way too. It opened my eyes when I saw my children getting snarky in their tones with me and sounding like dad.

What did I like to do? I love to swim, so I started swimming again. I loved to write, so I started a blog. What were ways to take care of myself? I started to go to bed earlier, journal regularly, and wake up earlier to spend time with God. I bought myself some cute clothes and started to dress nicely again. I realized I had really let myself go because I had been so focused on my husband and his issues, my whole life had started to revolve around him.

Step Two: Identity

Who was I? What was my character? What were my beliefs? This was an exercise I did through coaching and it helped me tremendously. Draw one big circle in the middle of a paper and four circles around it. In the middle, how would you describe your character? Who God made you to be? Wise, honest, loving, compassionate, adventurous, fun? Think of the traits God gave you and who you are at your core. What traits did your mother or grandmother have that they passed on to you? Brainstorm for 15 minutes.

Then in the three circles around that big core self-circle, title each one: What I believe? What I like? What I am good at? Brainstorm and fill in each of these circles for 5-10 minutes. For example, for What I believe? We all have beliefs around different things. What are some of your beliefs? Around God? Marriage? One of the beliefs I wrote in was that I believe actions should match a person’s words. That love is action.

Step Three: Boundaries

Setting boundaries…boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. What do boundaries mean to you? To me, it’s what I will do and won’t do. My yes and my no. The fact that there is a me and there is a you.

Boundaries are not meant to control someone else but are meant to give parameters and set limits on yourself. You are drawing a line on what is your responsibility and not your responsibility and ultimately where you begin and end.

Furthermore, boundaries are a way of protecting ourselves physically, emotionally, and mentally from hurtful words or actions. It allows us to determine what kind of behavior we will accept and what kind of behavior we will not accept. Setting healthy boundaries means respecting yourself enough to not allow anyone—including your spouse—to take advantage of you or treat you poorly without consequence.

For more help on boundaries visit our previous question ​How can I be a good Christian wife while setting boundaries?​

Step Four: Speaking Up

Once you’ve started the foundational work of steps 1-3, now it’s time to use the voice God gave you! And the only way to find your voice again is to practice using it.

Practice speaking up in small ways and that will give you momentum to start speaking up in bigger ways. Speak up when the waiter got your order wrong and ask them to please take it back. Speak up and share your opinion even if it differs from your friends. Speak up in a class or Bible study and share what you believe or your own unique perspective.

Also, remember that it’s okay if you don’t speak up every time. You won’t get this perfectly. That’s why it’s practice. Don’t beat yourself up if you chose not to speak up in a situation and later regretted it. Give yourself grace, be kind to yourself, and learn to say, “It’s okay, I am learning. I can try again tomorrow.”

Finding Your Voice in Marriage: Speaking Up

Then start sharing with your spouse what you’re feeling, even if it’s unpleasant or uncomfortable, or he gives you the silent treatment for days. I get it, it’s hard to speak up with a destructive spouse because you get punished in some shape or form. And the longer we stay in that environment, we learn and tell ourselves, it’s just not worth it. It’s easier to just let this go and not share my thought, opinion, or voice. And every time we do that, we lose a little more of ourselves over and over again until we’ve completely lost it and have no idea who that woman in the mirror staring back at us is.

So I know it’s hard. And I know you might feel the wrath of it. But if that is so, it gives you important information about your spouse. Does he give you the space in your relationship to be different from him? Does he give you the freedom to be yourself? You shouldn’t have to get punished for being yourself. God wants you to show up uniquely you, the beloved daughter He created you to be.

If something is bothering you in your marriage, it’s time to share. Give your spouse a heads up that you want to talk about something and you feel a bit nervous because you don’t want to upset the relationship. Then share what you’re feeling and tell him what you need and want in the relationship.

When You Get a Toxic Response

Be prepared that it may go south. If he blame-shifts, gets defensive, blames, shames, or guilts you, name that in your head, and ask for a break. Don’t justify, argue, defend, or explain anymore…he’s not listening and doesn’t want to at that point.

A healthy person will listen, be concerned about what you need and want, and do their best to make adjustments to care for you and your desires. They may not always agree, but they will hear you out, give you the freedom to express your differences, and respect your decisions.

If your spouse doesn’t respond this way and it doesn’t matter how gently you bring up the issues, then that gives you lots of information about where he’s at and what he’s not willing or unable to do. He is an adult and he has a choice.

Next Steps

You are an adult as well and have your own choices to make. The next question for you is this…with this information that you have, what does that mean for you? What can you do to steward yourself well in this situation? Often, it’s just the next wise step, a baby step such as emotionally distance for an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even a longer separation. Do the next right step for you and your situation.

When you choose to live in truth and reality, whatever the cost, that is when you’re becoming a healthier person. When you see your spouse for who he is and stop making excuses. When you give your marriage over to God, whatever the cost may be, that’s when you start living in true freedom.

I know how hard it is. And it’s a huge cost to give away your voice over and over again. At some point, we need to make the decision that enough is enough and we won’t be silent or passive any longer.

I hear you and see you and more importantly, God hears you, sees you, and loves you just the way you are.

“Thereafter, Hagar used another name to refer to the Lord, who had spoken to her. She said, ‘You are the God who sees me.’ She also said, ‘Have I truly seen the One who sees me?’ So that well was named Beer-lahai-roi (which means ‘well of the Living One who sees me’). It can still be found between Kadesh and Bered.”

(Genesis 16:13-15)

For Implementation and Growth, Try the Following:

Step One: Ask yourself this question: What is one step I can take this week to steward myself well? Maybe it’s going to bed earlier, journaling, taking a salt bath, buying yourself new makeup or an outfit. Do at least one kind thing for yourself this week.

Have you heard this song, “Be Kind To Yourself?” I just heard it for the first time this week and it’s so beautiful. I highly recommend taking some time this week to listen to it and soaking in the words.

Step Two: Grab a piece of paper and draw a big circle. Label it Core Self. Write as many adjectives as you can that describe who you are and who you want to be. Then circle your top three and memorize them. Mine were empathetic, courageous, and authentic.

Step Three: ​Grab this Find Your Voice guide freebie​ and share this email with a friend that it may help.

Reply and let me know if this helped you and if so, what resonated with you the most!

In His Strength,

Kristin