Handling Church Misunderstandings About Marriage
Navigating marriage struggles is hard, but church misunderstandings about marriage can make it feel isolating. You may be healing, setting boundaries, and protecting your kids, but church leaders might urge you to ‘keep trying.’ Their good intentions may still leave you feeling unseen due to their lack of understanding about emotional abuse.
Here’s a heartfelt question from one of our readers that highlights this very struggle:
QUESTION:
How do I navigate things with my pastors when they don’t fully recognize the destructive nature of my marriage? They know my husband is getting counseling for his past trauma and anger issues, and they understand that I have “biblical grounds” to separate because of his multiple emotional affairs. But they believe he’ll “get better” if we just keep trying. I’ve been trying for 20 years! Meanwhile, my teens and I are struggling to heal from years of trauma. We just moved across the country and have only been at this church for nine months, so while they know the stories, they haven’t lived our history or seen what life with us has been like. How do I handle this?
ANSWER:
First, I just want to say how much I appreciate you sharing your heart. I can hear the heaviness in your words—the years of trying, the pain of feeling misunderstood, and the deep love you have for your children. You’ve carried so much for so long, and I want to take a moment to acknowledge all the hard things you and your kids have been through.
No one else has lived your life. No one else has been in your marriage, in your home, or walked through the years of struggle and heartbreak you’ve endured. Only you know what it’s really been like to be married to your husband. And because of that, you are the one who can best discern what healing looks like for you and your family. You’ve already started this journey of healing, and that’s something to celebrate. I hope you’ll continue to trust yourself and the path God is leading you on.
I know it’s hard when your church leaders don’t seem to fully understand. After nine months, they’ve heard parts of your story but haven’t lived it with you. They care about your marriage, and they likely want to see it restored. But it sounds like they’re missing the bigger picture—the years of pain and the toll it’s taken on you and your kids.
Why Church Misunderstandings About Marriage Can Hinder Healing
This question highlights a common struggle faced by many women in emotionally destructive marriages: the difficulty of balancing faith, personal boundaries, and the expectations of their church community. Many women feel stuck when faced with church misunderstandings about marriage, especially when leaders prioritize reconciliation over emotional health. This can leave them feeling unseen and unsupported as they try to navigate the complex realities of healing for themselves and their families.
Is This a Healthy Church for You?
Questions to Ask When Evaluating Your Church’s Support
This brings me to an important question: How does this church feel overall?
- Do you feel like they have good intentions but just don’t fully understand the scope of what you’ve been through?
- Are they offering love and grace, even if they don’t fully understand your decisions?
- Or do you feel judged or misunderstood, like their lack of support might hold you back from healing?
These are tough questions, but they can help you figure out how important it is for you to have their understanding and support. Ideally, we want spiritual leaders who can see the whole picture and walk with us in truth and grace. But not every church has the awareness or education about emotional abuse to offer that kind of support.
Exploring Your Options When Facing Church Misunderstandings About Marriage
Depending on how important their understanding is to you, here are a few things you might consider:
Practical Steps for Navigating Church Misunderstandings About Marriage
- Have a One-on-One Conversation: If you’re struggling with church misunderstandings about marriage, consider having a one-on-one conversation with a pastor. If you feel comfortable, you could share more of your story with your pastor or a trusted leader. You might say something like, “I really appreciate your care for my family, however, I’d love to share more of our journey so you can better understand where we’re coming from and the healing we’re working toward.”
- Share What You Want: If their advice feels off, it’s okay to lovingly express your needs. For example, you might say, “I value your perspective, and I would really appreciate your support in respecting the decisions I’m making for the well-being of my family.”
- Consider a New Church: If you feel judged or unsupported, it’s okay to start looking for a church that aligns more closely with your needs. Some churches are better equipped to walk with families through the complexities of emotional abuse and healing.
Can you stay at this church if they don’t fully understand your situation? If they still offer love and grace, you might find peace in staying. But if you feel judged or misunderstood in a way that hinders your healing or if you want a church that is more accepting and understanding of your situation, it’s okay to find a community that better supports you and your children.
As you navigate these conversations with your pastors and make decisions for your family, remember that you don’t have to figure it all out on your own. “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you” (James 1:5). God promises to provide wisdom when we seek Him, and you can trust that He will guide you with clarity and peace as you take each step forward.
A Bigger Issue in Churches
Why Church Misunderstandings About Marriage Can Hinder Healing
I want you to know—your experience isn’t uncommon. So many churches are behind when it comes to understanding emotional abuse and trauma. They may focus on reconciliation without fully grasping the cost of staying in a destructive relationship. This lack of understanding reflects their gap in education, not your worth or decisions.
When pastors or church leaders don’t fully understand the complexities of emotional abuse, it’s easy for them to unintentionally overlook the deep pain and trauma a family has endured. Their advice often focuses on reconciliation, but it might miss the bigger picture—like the need for safety, healthy boundaries, and space to truly heal. For women in destructive marriages, this response feels like a setback, making it harder to rebuild health. It’s frustrating and disheartening, especially when you’ve been carrying so much for so long.
I know that doesn’t make it any easier, but I hope it reminds you that their misunderstanding doesn’t take away from the truth of your experience or the steps you’re taking to heal.
You Have the Freedom to Choose
At the end of the day, this is your journey. You have the agency to decide what’s best for you and your children. Whether you choose to stay at this church or find a new one, I hope you’ll keep leaning into the healing path you’re already on. God is with you in every step, and He will guide you toward the love, grace, and support you need.
I’m praying for you—for clarity, courage, and peace as you make these decisions. You’ve been through so much, and you can be proud of the steps you’re taking to heal and care for your family.
3 Steps for Implementation and Growth
If this resonated with you, here are three steps you can take to start moving forward:
Step 1: Take the First Steps in Your Healing Journey If you’re ready to start finding awareness, truth, and setting boundaries in your marriage, check out The Healing Journey digital workbook. It’s designed to help you take those first practical steps toward healing. Mark your calendar—it’s going on sale this Cyber Monday!
Step 2: Share Your Experience I’d love to hear from you. What has your experience been with church and marriage? Have you noticed how churches handle topics like emotional abuse and healing? Reply to this email and share your story—I’d be honored to hear it and walk alongside you.
Step 3: Seek Out Educated Spiritual Leaders
If you’re struggling to find understanding within your current church, research pastors, churches, or faith-based counselors who have a stronger understanding of emotional abuse and trauma. Their insight can make a significant difference in your healing journey.
This post is a part of a series addressing top questions from Christian women like you who are in emotionally destructive marriages or wondering if their marriage is healthy. I titled it “Anchored in Hope: Guidance for Emotionally Destructive Marriages.” You can submit your own question here, and I may answer it in an upcoming newsletter or blog post. Rest assured, your identity will be kept anonymous and protected.
To check out previous weeks’ questions and answers visit the blog posts here:
How to Identify an Emotionally Destructive Marriage
What Does God Say About Emotional Abuse?
How Do We Find Financial Balance When Control Has Taken Over?
In His strength,
Kristin
P.S. Follow me on Instagram for more tips and encouragement on living in truth, finding healing, and stepping into the freedom to be the woman God has called you to be. 💛
