How can I be a good Christian wife while setting boundaries?
I remember in a Bible study, our friend leading it told me she was praying about what study to do next. Someone had suggested to her to do a study with the book Boundaries in Marriage. She checked it out and said that it didn’t sit well with her. Something about setting boundaries in marriage made her uncomfortable. Must not be a good thing, I thought.
I checked out the book at a bookstore (back when going to a physical bookstore and hanging out was a thing) and remember reading the first few pages to see what she was talking about. I didn’t really think the book applied to me and my marriage. This was the beginning of our marriage when we had our first baby. Although my spouse had always had mood swings since we first started dating, when we first started having children, things were pretty good in our marriage. This doesn’t apply to me, I concluded and closed the book.
Fast forward about 10 years and I clung to this book like a best friend.
Things had turned unhealthy in my marriage, and I didn’t know what else to do. I turned to books, conferences, and support groups. Thankfully, Boundaries in Marriage was a godsend with practical advice on how to set boundaries in marriage. I worked hard on setting boundaries for two years and continue to practice them to this day, five years later. Without boundaries, I realized my personhood was disappearing and my voice was lost.
When I initially started setting boundaries, my spouse actually started respecting me more. He told me he liked it. Until he didn’t like it anymore. Then the abuse escalated. However, that gave me important information: I could no longer stay in the marriage the way things were. That’s the thing about boundaries—you cannot control the outcome for someone else. But it gives you very important information about the relationship. Then you can take that information and make the best decision that God is calling you to get healthy.
I realized through boundaries that there was a me, and there was a him. God designed it that way and God created and gave us boundaries.
So let’s dive into someone who may be struggling with the idea of how can I be a good wife and set boundaries. She might think the two contradict each other, but they don’t.
We see boundaries throughout the Bible. Some Christians may believe that having boundaries is unloving. However, this could not be further from the truth!
So, what does the Bible say about boundaries? I’m going to share four main principles: God created boundaries, Jesus set personal boundaries, we are to set boundaries in relationships and confront sin, and we are to use boundaries to avoid toxic relationships and influences.
First, let’s recognize the first principle.
God created boundaries:
One of the first examples of boundaries in the Bible is found in the account of creation. In Genesis, God establishes clear boundaries as He brings order to the universe:
Separating Light from Darkness
- Example: Genesis 1:3-4 – “And God said, ‘Let there be light,’ and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness.”
- Explanation: God creates a boundary between light and darkness, marking the distinction between day and night.
You can go through all of creation and see evidence of boundaries when God divided the waters and separated land from seas.
The Bible also shows that Jesus set personal boundaries for His own well-being and to protect His relationship with His Father.
Jesus Taking Time for Himself
- Example: Mark 1:35 – “Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.”
- Explanation: Jesus set boundaries around His time to ensure He could connect with God and recharge.
The Bible also shows examples of
Setting boundaries in relationship and speaking up to confront sin
- Example: Matthew 18:15-17 – “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church…”
- Explanation: This passage outlines a process for addressing sin and conflict in relationships, setting clear steps to protect oneself and others while seeking reconciliation.
And the Bible shares the importance of boundaries by warning us to avoid toxic relationships and influences.
Avoiding Toxic Influences
- Example: 1 Corinthians 15:33 – “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.'”
- Explanation: This verse advises setting boundaries around the influences we allow in our lives, recognizing the impact they can have on our character.
So what exactly are boundaries and why are they important?
A simple definition of a boundary is a line that marks the limit. For relationships, it’s an invisible line that separates one person from another. It’s what I will do and won’t do. My yes and my no. Again, there is a me and there is a you.
Boundaries are not meant to control someone else but are meant to give parameters and set limits on yourself. You are drawing a line on what is your responsibility and not your responsibility and ultimately where you begin and end.
Furthermore, boundaries are a way of protecting ourselves physically, emotionally, and mentally from hurtful words or actions. It allows us to determine what kind of behavior we will accept and what kind of behavior we will not accept. Setting healthy boundaries means respecting yourself enough to not allow anyone—including your spouse—to take advantage of you or treat you poorly without consequence.
When you think of a home, you own your home and are responsible for your home, your yard, etc. You are not responsible for your neighbor’s home and their yard.
But this is where boundaries get tough. What do you do when your neighbor puts a bunch of junk in their front yard? It’s their responsibility, not yours, yet you are being affected by having to look at the mess every day.
You could offer to help them clean it up, but what happens when they don’t want you to? That’s when you start thinking, What does this mean for me? What can I do? What are my options?
I can move, ignore it, call an association if there is one, or even go over there and throw the stuff out (though they could call the police on you for that).
Boundaries are about what you can do, and NOT about controlling someone else. You cannot make your neighbor pick up their front yard. You can share how you feel and what you would like, but you cannot make them do anything about it.
So boundaries are all about what you can do in a situation.
For example, a spouse’s irresponsible spending might mean you open a separate bank account. You might still lose money in that joint account, but you have taken action to protect your finances and take care of what you earn.
Another example: a boundary is not “stop yelling at me” or “stop blaming me.” But you could say, “When you yell or when you blame me, I will walk away.”
A boundary is not “stop giving me the silent treatment” or begging, “please let’s discuss this,” or compromising what you need to appease his demands. But a boundary could be, “When you give me the silent treatment, I feel disconnected and will go stay at my mom’s for a week where I can find some connection.”
Here are three key questions to ask yourself when you’re thinking about boundaries. I learned these from Leslie Vernick:
3 Key Questions to Ask Yourself
- What is his problem? For example, let’s say your spouse has an issue with irresponsibility regarding money and won’t stick to the budget. That’s his problem.
- What’s your problem with his problem? He might not care that he’s irresponsible with money; it doesn’t bother him, so he keeps doing it. But you do care about your finances. You want to be financially wise with what God gives you. You want to have financial freedom and be able to provide opportunities and choices for yourself and your kids. So, your problem with his problem is that you want to stay within a reasonable budget and be wise stewards of what God gives you.
- Therefore, what does that mean for you? In other words, what are your options? What can you do, what can you change, or what steps can you take? Brainstorm all the ideas you can think of. Don’t hold yourself back—there are no bad ideas in brainstorming. Here are some examples:
- Get a job and save your own money: This can give you financial independence and security.
- Open a separate bank account: This ensures that your finances are protected and managed according to your principles.
- Create and stick to a personal budget: Even if your spouse doesn’t adhere to a budget, you can manage your spending and savings wisely.
- Set clear financial boundaries: Decide what expenses you will or won’t cover and communicate these boundaries clearly.
- Seek financial counseling: Get professional advice to help you manage your finances and set boundaries effectively.
You might not like all the ideas, and they may not be feasible at this time in your life, but it starts to empower you by showing you that you DO have options. You are not stuck. It is not hopeless. You can take the next right step for YOU!
For Implementation and Growth, Try the Following:
Step One: Grab a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle to create two columns. On the left side, write “What is not okay with me,” and on the right, “Steps I can take.”
Step Two: Pray and brainstorm for 15 minutes. Think of three things that are not okay with you in your relationship and brainstorm all the ideas of what you can do on the right side (try to come up with at least three options, but the more, the better). For example:
- It’s not okay for me that my spouse gives the silent treatment.
- Steps I can take: Have a conversation with him about how I feel and what I want, go stay with my mom for a week, go out with some girlfriends to find support once a week, go see a counselor for support.
- It’s not okay for me that my spouse overspends.
- Steps I can take: Open my own bank account, get a part-time job and save my own money, give myself a budget for the things I buy regardless of his overspending.
- It’s not okay for me to not have connection on a regular basis.
- Steps I can take: Ask my spouse if we can put aside 15 minutes each night to talk, share with him how I feel and what I want, go to my mom’s for a week to find connection.
Step Three: Pray and choose the next step for you. That might be having a conversation, but you may have already had plenty of conversations about that topic, so maybe it’s taking a different action step. Depending on your relationship with your spouse and your situation, you may decide to share with them what you plan on doing or you might not. You know best what feels safe in your situation.
Let me know if you apply any of these tools and which ones help you most!
In His Strength,
Kristin
