How can I encourage my spouse to make a change without causing more conflict? -

As we navigate relationships, many of us wonder how to encourage a spouse to change without conflict. It’s important to remember that while we can invite change, we can’t guarantee it. If there’s one major mindset shift I’ve learned over the past few years of this healing journey, it’s this: I am not responsible for my husband.”

First and foremost, I am not responsible for my husband. His reactions, how he receives, or perceives what I say are beyond my control. On the other hand, I am fully responsible for myself—my words, thoughts, emotions, reactions, and responses. How I communicate matters, and I must be accountable for that. While I am responsible to others, I am not responsible for their actions.

Inviting Change Without Conflict

So, are there ways to invite change from others, like our spouses? Absolutely; in fact, it’s possible to do so thoughtfully. But remember, it’s an invitation to change, not a guarantee. They must be willing and capable of accepting that invitation and taking action. TThey have a choice, and consequently, they need to face the consequences of their choices.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

Maya Angelou

How can we approach this? A simple way is through what I call the SEW method.

SEW Method

The SEW method is one way to approach difficult conversations when you’re thinking about how to encourage your spouse to change without conflict. By focusing on what you can control—your words and actions—you create a respectful dialogue.

Situation: Begin by clearly stating what you’ve noticed, focusing on the facts without adding emotional judgments. For instance, “I’ve noticed we haven’t been talking much lately.” This step is just about presenting the reality of the situation.
Emotion: Next, express how you feel about the situation. For example, “I feel unloved when I share about my day and you don’t respond.” Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. Notice the difference: saying “I feel unloved” is more about sharing your personal experience than accusing with “you make me feel unloved.” This approach helps prevent defensiveness and fosters a more open conversation.
Want: Finally, communicate what you want or need moving forward. For example, “I care about you and want to strengthen our connection. I’d love to spend 15 minutes a day talking about our day.” Be specific about what you’re hoping for, and frame it positively, focusing on the connection you desire rather than what’s lacking.

Please note that while these steps can help in expressing your needs and feelings, there is no guarantee that your spouse will change or respond positively. Remember, you cannot control their reactions or decisions, but you can focus on communicating with clarity and respect.

Step 4 Moving Forward

There’s a fourth step too. If they don’t receive your invitation for change, ask yourself, “What does that mean for me?” In this case, it might mean I feel lonely and disconnected in my marriage. This is a problem for me because I don’t want to be in a lonely marriage. So again, ask, “If that is true that I don’t want to be in a lonely marriage, then what does that mean for me?”

Some possible steps might be: finding support elsewhere—counseling, support groups, or spending time with friends. It might also mean visiting family for a few days to connect with loved ones. This is really about setting boundaries and understanding what you will and won’t accept. I won’t stay in a lonely marriage; I will find connection with family and friends.

By focusing on yourself and sharing what you’ve noticed, how you feel, and what you want, you’re speaking up with love and respect. The way he responds or reacts provides valuable information. If he becomes defensive, shuts down, dismisses, or blames, it tells a lot about what he is and isn’t willing to do. This understanding helps you decide how to move forward.

Moreover, it’s painful when our spouse chooses not to hear or accept our invitations for change. It’s crucial to face this reality and not ignore it or pretend everything is fine. As James 1:23-24 reminds us:

“Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.”

James 1:23-24

Ultimately, living in truth and reality is crucial and healthy. God desires us to embrace this truth, which can help us address unhealthy patterns and give our marriage the best chance of healing. It may not turn out as we hope, but it can be an opportunity to influence change positively.

Here are three key takeaways:

If you’re looking for practical strategies on how to encourage your spouse to change without conflict, focusing on clear communication, using the SEW method, and accepting the outcome are essential steps.

1. Focus on What You Can Control

By focusing on what you can control—your communication, your responses, and your behavior—you can create a space for open and respectful dialogue. This mindset shift allows you to approach difficult conversations with clarity and reduces the burden of trying to manage your spouse’s responses.

2. Use the SEW Method for Clear Communication

The SEW method—Situation, Emotion, Want—is a one way to express your needs and use your voice:

Situation: Start by stating the facts you’ve noticed, like “I’ve noticed we haven’t been talking much lately.”
Emotion: Share how you feel with “I” statements, such as “I feel unloved when you don’t respond to my day.”
Want: Let them know what you want, like “I’d love to spend 15 minutes a day talking about our day.”

Using SEW helps you communicate clearly and respectfully, making it easier to have effective conversations.

3. Accept the Outcome and Focus on Yourself

After sharing your feelings and desires, be prepared for any response. It’s crucial to recognize that you cannot control your spouse’s reaction or ensure that they will accept your invitation for change. If your spouse does not respond as hoped, it’s important to evaluate what that means for you. Consider what steps you need to take to protect your well-being and maintain your boundaries.

If this resonated with you, it’s time for implementation and growth:

Step One: Take some time to reflect on what you are responsible for and what you are not. Understanding this difference is crucial for managing your feelings and actions without unnecessary guilt.

Step Two: Before applying the SEW method in your conversations, journal about it. Write down the specific situation, how you’re feeling, and what you need or desire moving forward. This exercise will help clarify your thoughts and make your communication more effective.

Step Three: Look out for The Healing Journey, which goes on sale next week! This digital workbook is designed to guide you from feeling confused, lonely, and exhausted to discovering more truth, healing, and freedom in your life.

If you’re struggling with how to encourage your spouse to change without conflict, remember to focus on clear communication and managing your own emotions and boundaries.

Want more help?

This is from an email series addressing top questions from Christian women like you who are in emotionally destructive marriages or wondering if their marriage is healthy. I titled it “Anchored in Hope: Guidance for Emotionally Destructive Marriages.” You can submit your own question here, and I may answer it in an upcoming newsletter or blog post. Rest assured, your identity will be kept anonymous and protected. Grab my free guide HERE and receive my newsletter which answers more questions like this!

To check out previous weeks’ questions and answers visit the blog posts here:

How to Identify an Emotionally Destructive Marriage

What Does God Say About Emotional Abuse?

What are the First Steps to Take When I Realize my Marriage is Emotionally Abusive?

How can I be a good Christian wife while setting boundaries?

How Can I Find my Voice and Express my Needs in my Marriage?

How do I deal with feelings of guilt and shame about my marriage’s state?

In His strength,

Kristin