My husband gets angry easily – an example

He was yelling at the kids again. My son was sitting on top of the washer (he is a climber!) and my husband reacted with anger, yelling and harshness.

“Get down,” he yelled harshly. My son didn’t listen. More yelling. Then my son reacting with anger himself. “You didn’t say please daddy!” he shouted and cried.

I could see this cycle of anger in my husband was carrying over into our son. I know we all lose our patience with our kids. They push our buttons constantly right? Yet, this had become more and more of the norm in our home. It had become a pattern.

I knew it wasn’t healthy and it was having an effect on me and our children. Yet, I felt helpless and hopeless to do anything. What could I do when my husband reacted with anger.

What can you do?

Do you find yourself asking this question? Do you find yourself walking on eggshells in your home, so your husband won’t act out in anger or rage?

If so, you are in the right place to get help and guidance. In this post, I give you practical baby steps you can take today when your husband reacts in anger. Steps to keep you and your children healthy and your home thriving.

I have read many christian blogs about women remaining calm and quiet when husbands got angry. I had been counseled to “win your husband without saying a word.”

I wasn’t sure how much this worked. I continued to see my husband act out in his sin of anger as I ignored what was happening. In fact, it didn’t seem to be getting better as I stood and watched what was going on. I only saw his anger and aggression worsen, and I lost my voice more and more.

Two ways women react to spouse’s anger

• Suppress – she suppresses herself and her feelings. This means she cowers, becomes a doormat, loses her voice and becomes invisible. This is not healthy and the husband will continue in his aggressive and disrespectful ways to the family. Most often his aggression will increase and grow and can become emotional abuse.
• Reactive – she yells back, gets explosive, gets defensive, over explains herself, fights back. This is also not healthy.

So you end up feeling hopeless with these two REACTIVE choices. However, there is a third choice. It is a choice of the hard and narrow road. It is a RESPONSE instead of a REACTION.

It needs to be done with intention and with the strength of the Lord and others’ support. It is the baby step you can start today in your marriage to get you closer to health for yourself and your children. It is this:

Responding with truth and love.

Five Steps to Take when your Spouse Acts out in Aggression:

Below are five steps you can start taking today to keep you and your family safe and thriving.

Step 1 – What to do with an angry husband – choose timing wisely

Timing means a lot. Choose a good time to speak with your husband (not when he is raging). Pray about a good time to talk to your husband and ask the Holy Spirit to help your spouse receive what you want to share. Then share calmly how you feel and what you need.

Step 2 – What to do with an angry husband – state the facts

It doesn’t help to label people. So instead of saying, you’re always angry, which puts people on the defensive, try “I’ve noticed” language to state what is going on. This helps bring awareness to the situation without blame or shame.

“I’ve noticed you get angry often.”

“I’ve noticed lately you are yelling at me and the kids more.”

“I’ve noticed when you’re mad you speak harshly with me.”

Step 3 – What to do with an angry husband – tell him how you feel

Then tell them how you feel.

“I feel hurt, when you yell at me and the kids.”

“I feel unloved when you speak harshly to me.”

“I feel disrespected when you lecture and criticize me.”

Step 4 – What to do with an angry husband – tell him what you need

Now that you’ve told him how you feel, it’s time to be assertive and tell him directly what you need. As said before, it doesn’t help to label people or use always or never language. However, men are not mind readers, and more often than not, they do not know what you need or want. In fact, they can be pretty clueless sometimes as to what we actually want and need in the relationship.

So you need to tell them. So for example, it’s not helpful to say “You’re an angry jerk,” but it can be helpful to say, “I need you to speak calmly to me when you want me to do something and then we can work together to find a solution.”

Here are some more examples:

“I need you to calmly tell me what you want.”

“I need you to lower your voice when you speak to me and the kids.”

“I need you to ask me in a respectful way what you would like me to do. “

Step 5 – What to do with an angry husband – set boundaries

This may be the most effective step of all. After you have stated what they are doing, how you feel and what you need them to do instead, set a boundary.

Prepare before you talk with them about this issue and determine what you want the boundary to be. If you are having a rough time thinking of an effective boundary, ask yourself this question:

“If anyone else treated me this way, what would I do”

For example, if an acquaintance at church yelled at me, how would I naturally react? I probably would get away from that person, or not be their friend.

Possible boundaries

So, some possible solutions could be to walk away from your husband the next time he yells or emotionally distancing yourself from him for a period of time.

You could also take the kids out of the house and go do something fun for the evening.

Now your husband will start feeling the effects and consequences of his sin. When he yells, he remains alone. He doesn’t get what he wants. Now there is motivation for possible change.

He has a choice!

It is still his choice to change. You cannot change anyone else except yourself. However, when you change an inch, there is a potential to influence those around you to start reacting differently.

Even if he continues in his sin of anger, at least you are not around it anymore. By taking the kids out with you, they are no longer witnessing it either, which is healthy for both of you.

Example Scripts to Set Boundaries

So after you tell him what you need and want, state clearly what the boundary will be.

• “Next time you lecture and harshly criticize me, I will leave the room. When you can speak respectfully to me I will listen to you and try to work together.
  
• “Next time you yell at me or the kids, we will head out for the evening.”
  
• “Next time you act out in rage, I will emotionally distance myself from you. I need to take some time and space to be healthy.”

Notice in these examples, the boundary is something YOU can do! A boundary is not making someone else do something. For example, you can’t put a boundary on your spouse saying, “You can’t yell at me anymore.”

He most certainly can, and you can’t control that. However, you can control yourself and your response to the situation. You can walk away or get out of the house.

Step 6 – an additional step – what to do with an angry husband

There is really a step 6, and that is to FOLLOW THROUGH.

A boundary is not a boundary if you don’t follow through with it. Instead it is nagging. So make sure you carry out what you say you’re going to do.

Note, things may get worse before they get better. Your husband may bust your boundaries and find ways to retaliate against you speaking up for yourself. If this is the case, make sure you get some support for yourself – you will need it! Talk to supportive friends or family or find a good counselor who listens and is supportive. If a counselor tells you to remain quiet, RUN for the hills!

When is it emotional abuse?

He may decide to disrespect your boundaries and try to punish you. This can take many forms such as withholding emotional or physical affection, giving you the silent treatment, stonewalling you, blame shifting and much more. If this is the case, you may be in an emotionally abusive relationship. Are you wondering if you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship? Get my FREE Blessings & Cursings check list to find out more about the red flags of covert emotional abuse.

In the end, God tells husbands to not be harsh with their wives.

Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

Col 3:19

He says to get rid of all anger, harshness, malice.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior.

Eph 4:31

Your husbands reaction to anger is his choice and is not your fault. Do not cower and don’t get defensive or yell back.

During the heat of the moment, tell him you need a break and walk away. Take some time to process your own emotions, pray and determine the next steps. Use these 5 steps of responding with truth and love to stay true to God and take care of yourself and the children.

Allowing and enabling your husband’s anger is not healthy or good for your marriage or for him either. By speaking up in truth and love, you are responding in the most healthy and loving way for all involved.

Now it’s your turn! Let me know in the comments what has worked (or not worked!) for you when responding to your husband’s anger. Blessings!

Want more help?

Are you wondering if you’re in an emotionally abusive marriage? Do you want more help in finding healing and and practical steps you can take? Take the next step and check out my Blessings and Cursings Workbook to help you recognize what covert emotional abuse, and a path you can start taking towards healing and health in your life.