How to Deal with an Irresponsible Husband
We all want to have healthy relationships, but sometimes it’s hard to know how to handle an irresponsible husband. It can be a source of stress, frustration, anger resentment and even fear. But there is hope for you! Here are some tips to help you deal with an irresponsible husband in a way that is both honest and respectful.
How to Spot an Irresponsible Husband
The first step to dealing with an irresponsible husband is understanding what it looks like.
Some signs of this type of behavior can include things like:
- Not taking on responsibilities around the house
- Not taking on responsibilities with finances
- Going from job to job
- Not searching for a job when unemployed
- Lying or avoiding the truth
- Not paying taxes
- Making excuses instead of apologizing when they make mistakes
- Being emotionally distant
If you recognize any of these behaviors in your marriage, then it is time to start having conversations about responsibility and accountability with your husband.
What does the Bible Say about an Irresponsible Husband
So what does the Bible say about an irresponsible husband. A lot actually! God is not pleased with his irresponsible behavior.
In Ephesians 5:25–29, it is written: “Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies…”
This passage stresses the importance of men loving their wives sacrificially and taking responsibility for their actions.
But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
1 Timothy 5:8
Wow, someone who doesn’t provide and take care of their family is worse than an unbeliever. This speaks volumes.
So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.
James 4:17
Your spouse knows the difference between right and wrong, even if he is in denial. He is choosing sin and this is not God’s plan.
For we are each responsible for our own conduct.
Gal 6:5
Don’t take responsibility for your spouse’s irresponsible behaviors. It can be so tempting to rescue or try to “fix” the situation. However this only enables and allows the behaviors to continue, and most likely they will get worse.
Overfunctioning
When our spouse doesn’t carry his own load, and has issues with irresponsibility, we tend to carry the burdens and load ourselves. After all, the bills need to get paid, and somebody’s gotta take care of the home, right?
However, this leads to an unhealthy phenomenon called “overfunctioning.” Overfunctioning is when you take on more than your own responsibility. You start doing more than is necessary and appropriate.
As much as you are trying to help your situation, you are actually enabling his irresponsible behavior.
What to do with an Irresponsible Husband
So what are you to do then, with an irresponsible spouse? Your spouse has surely put you between a rock and a hard place. He won’t take on his responsibilities for providing for you and the family, and you don’t want to enable his bad behavior. What is a woman to do?
I’m assuming since you are here, chances are you have had a conversation with your spouse about his foolish choices. However, just in case, you haven’t, start there.
How To Talk To Your Husband About His Responsibility
When talking to your husband about his responsibility, it’s important to remember that he’s unlikely to change overnight. However, progress is what we desire and need, and an awareness and accountability for his problem.
It helps to focus on your feelings rather than blaming him for his behavior. You may want to say something like “I feel overwhelmed when I have to take on all the responsibilities at home – I would really appreciate if you could help out more with chores and errands”. This way you are expressing how you feel without placing blame or criticism on him which will likely lead to a much more productive conversation.
If your spouse is having issues with work, have a conversation with him stating “I’ve noticed.” For example, “I’ve noticed you are not working your normal hours and I feel insecure about that. Why do you think you’re not working as much?”
Or, “Would you be willing to get help to find employment?”
If your spouse gets defensive, refuses to get help or take ownership for his issue, then it’s time to make a plan for yourself.
Make a plan to protect yourself
So instead of taking all the burdens on yourself, it is healthier to make a plan for yourself.
Taking steps for you to protect yourself financially and emotionally requires a determination and strength from the Lord. You need to start listening to your voice, instead of making excuses for him. In addition, holding fast to the truth and expressing your needs and wants will continue helping you move in a healthy direction.
Set boundaries
One of the best baby steps you can start with is to set boundaries.
Think about what an appropriate and relatable boundary would be. Remember boundaries are about what you can control, not trying to control someone else.
Ask yourself this question: What would I do if anyone else treated me this way?
Examples of setting boundaries
If anyone else, squandered my money irresponsibly, I would take measures to protect my money. And I would distance myself from that person. They have broken trust in that area.
So it may be necessary for you to open your own bank account and start saving some money for you and your children.
Another example of boundaries could be, “What would I do, if anyone else was lazy, not working and not pulling their load?” I wouldn’t want to be around that person. Again, the trust has been broken.
In this case, you may need to emotionally distance yourself from that person. Maybe it’s for an hour, maybe its for a day, a week. Maybe it’s telling them they need to get help from a therapist or move out. Whatever the next right step you feel is appropriate at this time, take that step.
Holding your spouse accountable
As you make baby changes in respecting yourself and listening to your voice, you will be holding your spouse accountable.
In turn, these small two-degree changes you are making have the potential to cause a rippling effect of change in those around you.
Get healthy for yourself, not to change your spouse
However, don’t make these changes expecting your spouse to change. He may choose to continue living in sin and refuse to take responsibility. Things may take a turn for the worse. As you set healthy boundaries to take care of yourself and your children, he may lash out even more and bust your boundaries.
Don’t be afraid of this. Continue being firm in your needs and desires. Get help and support to continue with your plan, you will need it!
Emotional abuse
When you talk to your husband about how you feel, set healthy boundaries and he still chooses to run away from his responsibility, you may be in an emotionally abusive relationship.
Awareness is the first step to healthy relationships. Check out this FREE starter guide to find out what covert emotional abuse is and what steps you can start taking today towards healing and health.
Dealing with an irresponsible husband can be difficult at best, but there are steps you can take for yourself today. Focus on small steps such as setting boundaries, expressing how you feel and continuing to hold your husband accountable. God gave you a voice! Use it and express it in healthy and respectful ways. I don’t know exactly what the future brings for you, but I know we can put our hope in God alone and that He is with you!
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11
Now it’s your turn, what are you struggling with when it comes to your spouse and irresponsibility? What next step are you willing to take today? Let me know in the comments below, I’d love to be cheering you on and praying for your journey.
