How to Handle Conflict in Unhealthy Relationships
Navigating conflict in any relationship can be difficult and emotional. But when you’re dealing with an unhealthy or toxic relationship, it can be even more challenging. As a woman of faith, I believe it’s important to approach these types of conflicts from a place of love and understanding. To do that, we must first understand the difference between healthy conflict resolution and emotional abuse.
The Difference Between Healthy Conflict Resolution and Emotional Abuse
When two people are in an emotionally healthy relationship, they are able to express their feelings honestly without fear of being judged or attacked. They have established boundaries that allow them to resolve their differences without resorting to name-calling or other forms of belittling behavior.
In contrast, an emotionally abusive relationship is one where there is no respect for individual boundaries or feelings; instead, the abuser seeks to control and manipulate the other person through criticism, guilt-tripping, shaming, and other forms of verbal abuse.
Dealing With Emotional Abuse: What To Do When You’re in a Fight With An Abuser
If you find yourself in a fight with an abuser, it’s important to take steps to protect yourself both mentally and physically.
Expect the Worst
First off, recognize that whenever you bring up topics to an abuser, as calm and respectful as you remain, go into it expecting them to take it the wrong way. They will most likely take offense to it and the conversation most likely will go downhill.
Abusers are extremely thin-skinned, and any type of issue you have with them, is reason enough, in their minds, to get defensive and attack you back. In so many words, they are telling you “I don’t care, I don’t want to hear it, and I don’t want to deal with it, so shut up!”
However, just because they don’t want to hear it doesn’t mean not to bring it up. You need to be able to bring up your concerns and voice your opinion in a relationship. Your relationship with a person can only be as healthy and intimate as it is honest. Without honesty and sharing of feelings, there is no relationship. There is a one-sided, controlling imbalance.
In a healthy relationship, no topics are off the table. And you have a voice and deserve to be heard. You need to be able to express your opinions and share what’s bothering you.
So be prepared for the worse; that even at the slightest offense they may lash out on you or use one of the many other abusive tactics such as shame, blame-shifting, stonewalling or belittling.
Name It
Then, name it (in your mind – not aloud), what the abuser is doing.
- If they start getting defensive, tell yourself, “Ok, that’s their defensiveness.”
- If they start telling you, that you are the one with that problem, tell yourself “Ok, they are blame-shifting.”
- If he comes back with, “How dare you say xyz,” tell yourself, ok he is using shame and guilt.
By naming the tactic the abuser is using during times of conflict, you will recognize what is actually happening. This will prevent you from entering a whirlwind of chaos and confusion. It helps your head stay on straight. Then you are able to take the next step easier.
Take a Break
As soon, as the argument gets heated and you feel like your spouse is creating chaos and confusion, remove yourself. This will give you time to cool off and assess the situation more objectively.
If you feel the conversation spiraling, tell your spouse, “I need some time to think about this.” Then walk away.
Take Time to Process
If possible, try talking it out with someone you trust — whether that’s a family member or friend — who can offer unbiased advice on how best to handle the situation.
Journal on a daily basis to help you figure out what is really going on. To help you become aware of how you feel about it. Journaling helps you become self-aware and express your emotions in a healthy way.
It may also be helpful to seek professional counseling so that you can learn tools for managing your emotions during stressful times. In addition, make sure that you have a support system of friends who can provide encouragement and comfort during difficult times.
Set a Boundary
After you have thought about the issue and had some time to process and cool off, pray and think about a boundary (consequence) to set.
Try and choose a related consequence. For example, it helps to ask yourself this question when choosing a boundary to set:
If anyone else did this to me, how would I respond?
So, if anyone else yelled at you, maybe you would not be around that person anymore. Or if anyone else called you names, maybe you would distance yourself from that person. This is a very powerful tool. Think about what you would do if anyone else treated you that way. Then implement that as your boundary.
When you come back to talk to your spouse, say:
- How you felt – I felt unloved, disrespected, hurt, mad, sad, etc when you dismissed my feelings and started to blame me for the situation
- What you need – I need to be heard and validated in this relationship
- What you are going to do about it next time (the boundary) – next time you shift the blame onto me, I will take some time to be distant from you.
Finally, remember that no matter what kind of fight you are in with an abuser—you always have choices about how you respond (even if those choices don’t feel like much at first).
While it’s understandable (and normal!) to feel overwhelmed by emotions during these types of fights—it’s important not to let your emotions control your actions because that could lead to further animosity between both parties involved. Instead focus on taking care of yourself—your mental health is key!
Moving Forward
Conflict in unhealthy relationships isn’t easy—but it doesn’t mean we should give up hope for peace altogether. By choosing our words carefully and staying mindful about our own well-being during tense moments—we can find ways to move forward even amidst toxic tensions!
Remember–you are strong and God is with you! Hold fast to the Lord and take care of yourself as best as you can! Seek help if needed!
Stay focused on finding solutions whenever possible. With determination and a strength from the Lord, you can take the next best step for you and your children to be safe and healthy.
The Lord is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation; this is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him.
Exodus 15:2
God’s will is not for you to remain in an abusive situation. Allowing the same behavior to continue over and over is not respectful to you, your husband or your children; instead, it is enabling.
Furthermore, the behavior will continue and get worse until you are ready to step out in faith and start taking a different path for your own healing.
If you are ready to take a baby step towards awareness and healing for covert emotional abuse, check out my Blessings & Cursings Workbook. This easy, step-by-step guide walks you through what emotional abuse is, taking care of yourself and setting boundaries, so that you can begin a journey to health, freedom and healing.
