Is your Marriage Toxic?
Five Warning Signs you are Married to a Toxic Husband
Do you feel exhausted, overwhelmed and drained after being around your partner? Maybe, he is constantly criticizing you, or using sarcasm to put you down. Do you look forward to breaks away from him and feel like you can finally breathe and be yourself? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be in a toxic relationship. In this post, I describe five warning signs you are married to a toxic husband and some steps you can start taking today to find health and healing.
What is a Toxic Relationship?
The definition of toxic is poison that is harmful, and toxic people bring hurt and destruction into your life. A toxic spouse poisons and kills the relationship with their destructive behaviors and tactics.
Therefore, a pattern of toxicity in a relationship can easily cross the line and turn into emotional abuse. In fact, the two often overlap and there are blurred lines to distinguish the two. From all the research, I’ve done so far, the biggest differences I have been able to find is that abuse takes the form of an addictive cycle and abusive people are manipulative. Although, toxic people may also be manipulative, it is not always the case.
Also, what I have found is that toxicity can be a precursor to emotional abuse. Emotional abuse in turn, can be a precursor to physical abuse.
Certainly, both abusive and toxic people have destructive behaviors that kill relationships. To learn more about covert emotional abuse, check out the post here.
What is a Healthy Marriage?
To see more what a toxic relationship, let’s examine what is not toxic. What does a healthy relationship look like? In healthy relationships, there is a respect and support for one another. A freedom to express oneself and work through conflict through healthy problem solving.
While most marriages experience times of difficulties, unhealthy marriages have an ongoing pattern. God may use difficult times in our marriage to help us grow out of selfishness and pride and grow more towards Christ.
However, I am not talking about difficult marriages or difficult people. In unhealthy, toxic relationships, mutual respect is lacking. A toxic spouse is destructive, unrepentant and refuses to grow. They are marked by being controlling, dominating and having a cruel spirit to take you down. You feel like you cannot be yourself around a toxic spouse.
Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.
Pro 22:24-25
The Five Warning Signs of a Toxic Husband:
- Controlling – a toxic person is a control freak. You better think like they do, and do what they want and the way they want it.
- Lack of support – in healthy relationships, people celebrate and support your growth and achievements. An unhealthy toxic person, tears you down or tries to make you feel guilty for change or growth.
- Unhealthy conflict – your spouse is constantly getting defensive when you try to approach them about an issue, they shift the blame to you and/or use guilt to avoid the conflict.
- Busts boundaries – a healthy person will respect others’ boundaries and want what’s best for that person. A toxic person is chronically resisting boundaries by reacting with anger (passive or aggressive), holding a grudge or retaliating, or having an attitude of superiority.
- Disrespectful – a toxic person doesn’t respect your thoughts and feelings. They devalue you, act superior and treat you with disrespect.
In addition, toxic relationships are a serious deal and have major affects on your emotional and mental health. Remember emotional and mental healthy affect your physical health too, so you may be experiencing physical ailments related to stress.
What it Feels Like to be in a Toxic Relationship
Here are some of the things you may be feeling if you are in a toxic relationship:
- Want to spend more time with your children than your husband – it is more enjoyable and there is less drama with your children than with your spouse.
- Fight over every little thing. Cannot communicate in healthy way and most things turn into an argument
- Holidays and vacations get interrupted because your husband is in a mood again or creating drama
- Your spouse plays the victim. Everything happening to him is someone else’s faults and is not willing to take any steps or solutions to solve his problems.
- You are constantly feeling criticized and not good enough
Also, being in a toxic relationship takes a toll on your body, mind and soul and leaves you feeling exhausted and depleted. Toxic people are unhealthy and usually have some kind of trauma in their past they have not dealt with and are “stuck” at that immature stage in their life.
What can you do in a Toxic Marriage?
Finally, what can you do in a toxic marriage? First off, know it is not your job to change or control your toxic husband or make him be a certain way. He has a choice, and you also have a choice. One choice you can make today to help yourself become healthier and that may have a rippling affect on your relationship is a two- degree turn.
Baby Steps
A two-degree turn is a small change or baby step you can make today to start becoming healthy yourself. We cannot expect things to change in our life by doing the same old thing. And by changing our life an inch it has the potential to create change in those around us.
Now please hear me loud and clear, the best thing you can do is to get healthy and healing for yourself. Don’t make change because you are hoping your partner will change. However, when you do start getting healthy and healing in your life, it may affect those around you. As I said before, at the end of the day they still have a choice to make, and you cannot make that choice for them.
Examples of baby steps
Some examples of a two degree that you can start today is:
- Journaling every night so you are aware of what you are feeling and the events that are occuring
- Calling a supportive friend who will listen and speak truth in love to you
- Scheduling an appointment with a counselor
Furthermore, by being here and learning about toxic relationships you are making a two-degree turn because change begins with knowledge. We cannot change what we are not aware of. So, thank you for showing up and being intentional to learn and become aware!
In conclusion, toxic relationships are destructive. Don’t look in the mirror and walk away and forget what you see and go back to doing the same ol’ thing.
For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. 25 But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.
James 1:23 – 25
Don’t just be a hearer and continue to do nothing. Start doing something today. Start applying what you are learning and make small changes in your life today. If you want more help with making baby steps that lead to health and healing in yourself and relationship, check out my Blessings & Cursings Workbook.
Now it’s your turn! Let me know in the comments what is one baby step you can take today to get healthier for yourself, I’d love to know!
