Navigating Destructive Marriages: Actions Speak Louder than Words
In the complex world of destructive marriages, one of the most challenging aspects to confront is the profound disconnect between our spouses’ words and their actions. They may speak of love, change, and reconciliation, but their behavior often tells a very different story.
It’s a question that frequently arises for women in emotionally abusive relationships:
“How do I untangle the opposing views in my mind of my husband telling me he loves me, but then treating me like he doesn’t?”
It’s a scenario many of us have faced – those moments when we hear the words “I love you” while experiencing behavior that tells a very different story. For instance, he might assure you of his love but then resort to giving you the silent treatment for days, weeks, or even months. He might violate your boundaries or dismiss your feelings, perhaps accusing you of being too sensitive. Or, when you attempt to have a respectful and gentle conversation about a certain topic, he becomes defensive, making it clear he doesn’t want to hear you or discuss the matter.
These behaviors contradict the words spoken, and this contradiction is an all-too-common experience for women in emotionally destructive marriages. It’s one of the reasons why these relationships can be so exhausting and confusing. It’s like living in two conflicting realities, and it can make you feel like you’re losing your sense of sanity. It is the essence of crazy making. In these moments of inner turmoil and crazy making, we often find ourselves wrestling with a psychological concept called “cognitive dissonance.”
Cognitive dissonance is a term that describes the confusion we experience when we hold conflicting beliefs or when our behavior contradicts our values. In the context of destructive marriages, it’s the tension between what our spouses say and what they actually do. This dissonance can be emotionally overwhelming and leave us feeling crazy, confused and torn.
Cognitive dissonance in emotionally abusive relationships can manifest in various ways.
What are examples of Cognitive Dissonance in Emotionally Abusive Relationships?
- Belief in Love vs. Suffering Abuse: In emotionally abusive relationships, a victim may genuinely love their partner but simultaneously endure mistreatment. This dissonance arises when they struggle to reconcile their love for the abuser with the emotional pain and harm caused by the abuse.
- Desire for Change vs. Acceptance of the Status Quo: Victims often hope for their abusive partner to change, clinging to the belief that the person they fell in love with still exists. This hope contrasts with the ongoing abusive behavior, creating cognitive dissonance as they hold onto the possibility of change while enduring the abuse.
- Positive Traits vs. Destructive Actions: Abusers can display charming and loving qualities, which can create cognitive dissonance for the victim. They may focus on these positive aspects of the abuser’s personality, even as they experience the destructive, hurtful actions.
- Justification of Abusive Behavior: Victims of emotional abuse may rationalize the abusive behavior to reduce cognitive dissonance. They might convince themselves that the abuse is their fault, that they deserve it, or that it’s not as bad as it seems, in an attempt to maintain consistency between their self-image and their reality.
- Fear and Dependency vs. Independence and Safety: Some victims may simultaneously experience fear of the abusive partner and dependence on them for various reasons, such as financial stability or the fear of being alone. This internal conflict can create cognitive dissonance, as they weigh the benefits of staying in the abusive relationship against the need for independence and safety.
Cognitive dissonance in emotionally abusive relationships often keeps victims entangled in the harmful dynamic. They struggle to reconcile the contradictions between their love and fear, hope and despair, or positive beliefs about the abuser and the painful reality of the abuse. Recognizing these inconsistencies is a crucial step towards breaking free from such relationships and seeking help and support.
So, how can we navigate this challenging terrain and find our way to a healthier life grounded in truth and reality?
5 Steps to Overcome Cognitive Dissonance in Emotionally Destructive Marriages
1. Shift Your Focus to Behavior
One of the most critical steps is to shift your focus from the words your spouse uses to their actual behavior. In destructive marriages, actions speak louder than words. While they may make promises and assurances, it’s their actions that truly reveal their intentions. Pay close attention to how they treat you and whether their behavior aligns with their promises.
“Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.”
1 John 3:18
2. Trust Your Instincts and Be Guided by the Holy Spirit
As Christian women, our faith and intuition are powerful tools. Trust your inner wisdom and discernment. Practice listening to yourself. If something feels wrong or contradictory, take it seriously. Journal about it so you have documentation you can go back and remember what is actually going on. Pray and be in tune with the Holy Spirit. Listen to the Holy Spirit and your instincts. This can guide you toward the right path.
“Who has put wisdom in the inward parts or given understanding to the mind?”
Job 38:36
3. Seek Support from Wise People in your Life
Remember, you don’t have to go through this journey alone. Reach out to wise friends, family, or professional counselors who understand and/or specialize in emotional abuse and who can offer guidance, support, and a listening ear. They can provide valuable insight, clarity and perspective in the face of cognitive dissonance.
“For by wise guidance you can wage your war, and in abundance of counselors there is victory.”
Proverbs 24:6
4. Establish Healthy Boundaries
Establishing healthy boundaries is a crucial step to protect your emotional well-being. Communicate your boundaries to your spouse and be prepared to enforce them if necessary. Check out how to establish healthy boundaries in a toxic relationship here. Your emotional and physical safety should always be a top priority.
“The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty.”
Proverbs 22:3
5. Prioritize Self-Care
Taking care of yourself is of utmost importance. Invest in self-care, nourish your well-being, and consider seeking counseling or therapy for yourself to help you cope with the emotional toll of a destructive marriage.
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
Matthew 11:28-29
You are not alone in your struggle, and there is hope. By focusing on behavior over words, addressing cognitive dissonance, and seeking support, you can find the strength and clarity you need to make informed decisions and discover the path to healing and transformation.
Remember, you have a supportive community, and in faith, you can find the resilience to face the challenges ahead. Keep the faith, trust in your inner wisdom, and prioritize your well-being.
