Navigating Emotionally Destructive Relationships: Peacemaking vs. Peacekeeping

Have you ever caught yourself saying, “I’m the peacemaker in my relationship,” or maybe, “I’m tired of being the peacemaker”? It’s a thought I think many of us can relate to. But here’s the thing: there’s a significant difference between being a peacekeeper and a peacemaker. And today, I want to share with you about how biblical peacemaking might not be what you think it is.

It’s not about being passive, accommodating, or silently enduring the struggles we face.

Let’s dive into something that hits close to home—peacemaking versus peacekeeping. I know it can feel like walking a tightrope if you’re in an emotionally destructive marriage, where peace might seem like the ultimate goal, but there’s a crucial difference between just keeping the peace and truly making peace.

So, let’s unpack this together:

Peacekeeping Vs. Peacemaking

Peacekeeping: Picture this—you’re in the midst of a storm in your marriage, and your default mode is to keep the peace at any cost. Maybe it means biting your tongue when your spouse belittles you or pretending everything’s fine when it’s not. It’s like slapping a band-aid on a wound without ever addressing the underlying pain. Sure, it might bring temporary relief, but it doesn’t tackle the real issues at hand. Peacekeeping is passive, accommodating, and often results in silent victims.

Peacemaking: Now, here’s where truth and true peace happens. Peacemaking isn’t about sweeping problems under the rug or passively enduring abuse. It’s about standing up for yourself with courage and grace, even in the midst of chaos. It’s about setting boundaries, seeking help, and working towards genuine healing and reconciliation. Peacemaking is proactive, standing up for truth in love, and using the voice God gave you for good.

In an emotionally unhealthy marriage, peacemaking might look like confronting your spouse about their hurtful behavior, seeking support from trusted friends or counselors, and prioritizing your own well-being. It’s about embodying the love and strength of Christ as you navigate the challenges you’re facing.

Examples from Scripture where Jesus confronted the Pharisees:

  • Matthew 23:13-36: In this passage, Jesus delivers a series of rebukes against the Pharisees, calling out their hypocrisy and legalism. He challenges them to look beyond their outward displays of piety and focus on the heart.
  • Matthew 15:1-20: Here, Jesus confronts the Pharisees for their emphasis on external rituals over matters of the heart. He exposes their hypocrisy and emphasizes the importance of genuine obedience to God’s word.
  • Matthew 12:1-14: In this passage, Jesus challenges the Pharisees’ interpretation of the Sabbath law. He highlights the compassionate nature of God’s law and exposes the Pharisees’ legalism.

These examples remind us that peacemaking isn’t about avoiding conflict or pretending everything’s fine. It’s about confronting injustice and standing up for what’s right, even in the face of opposition.

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.”

Matthew 5:9

Remember, my friend, that you are fearfully and wonderfully made, and you deserve to be treated with love and respect. Don’t settle for anything less than God’s best for you. Keep leaning on His strength and grace as you navigate this difficult season, and know that brighter days are ahead.

The Differences Between Peacekeeping and Peacemaking:

Peacekeeping:

  • Passive, accommodating, and often results in silent victims.
  • Involves maintaining a superficial peace without addressing underlying issues.
  • Often prioritizes temporary calm over long-term resolution.
  • Can perpetuate a cycle of dysfunction and enable abusive behavior.

Peacemaking:

  • Proactive, standing up for truth in love, and using the voice God gave you for good.
  • Involves actively addressing conflict and seeking genuine resolution.
  • Prioritizes reconciliation and restoration of relationships.
  • Requires courage, humility, and vulnerability.

Remember, while peacekeeping may offer temporary relief, true healing and lasting peace can only come through the courageous work of peacemaking. Keep leaning on God’s strength and guidance as you navigate the complexities of your emotionally destructive marriage, knowing that He walks with you every step of the way.

Example Script to Help You Speak Up

And if you want some help of what to say as you start speaking up, here’s a suggested script:

Hey [Spouse’s Name],

I want to have an honest conversation with you because I care about our relationship. Lately, I’ve been feeling [describe your feelings e.g., hurt and disrespected] when [describe the behavior causing distress].

I’ve realized that I’ve been silent about how I feel, and it’s been building up inside me, leading to feelings of [describe your feelings e.g., resentment and frustration.] But I don’t want our relationship to be defined by silence or resentment. I want us to have open and honest communication, even if it’s difficult.

Here’s what I need and want moving forward: [State your boundaries and expectations clearly, e.g., I need you to speak to me with respect and kindness. I want us to work together to create a safe and healthy environment for both of us.]

To achieve this, I’m willing to [offer specific actions you’re willing to make, e.g., set aside time for regular check-ins, establish boundaries around certain behaviors]. I believe that by working together and respecting each other’s needs, we can strengthen our relationship.

I understand that change won’t happen overnight, but I’m committed to taking steps towards a healthier future together. I hope we can have an open communication about this and work towards positive changes in our relationship.

Remember, it takes courage to speak up for yourself, but your voice matters, and your feelings are valid. Keep leaning on God’s strength and guidance as you navigate this journey towards healing and restoration in your marriage. You are not alone, and there is hope for a brighter future ahead.

If you want more help speaking up in truth and love, grab this Find Your Voice Guide for FREE.

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