I’ve been diving into an email series addressing top questions from Christian women like you who are in emotionally destructive marriages or wondering if their marriage is healthy. One of the most common questions I receive is, ‘What does God say about divorce in destructive marriages?’ In this series, titled ‘Anchored in Hope: Guidance for Emotionally Destructive Marriages,’ we’ll explore this question and others, offering biblical insights and practical guidance.

You can submit your own question here, and I may answer it in an upcoming newsletter or blog post. Rest assured, your identity will be kept anonymous and protected.

To check out previous weeks’ questions and answers visit the blog posts here:

​How to Identify an Emotionally Destructive Marriage​

​What Does God Say About Emotional Abuse?​

​How Do We Find Financial Balance When Control Has Taken Over?​

​How Do I Handle It When my Pastor’s Don’t Fully Understand my Marriage Struggles? ​

Now, on to this week’s question from a reader:

What does God really say about divorce in destructive marriages?

QUESTION:

What does God say about divorce? Does He expect me to stay in a marriage where there’s drinking, emotional abuse, and my husband refuses to participate in counseling again?

My husband often uses the Bible to make me feel like I’m in the wrong. Am I really supposed to keep loving and forgiving a man who intentionally calls me names and brings up my past mistakes to hurt me? Part of me feels like I should keep trying, but the constant abuse has hardened my heart toward him. How much longer am I, and my children, expected to endure this?

ANSWER:

Thank you for sharing your heart and being so honest about what you’re going through. I can only imagine how heavy this feels for you right now. Please know you’re not alone in this, and your feelings—whether it’s confusion, pain, or the deep need to protect yourself and your children—are so valid. God sees you, understands your struggles, and cares deeply for you. Let’s take a moment to unpack your questions together, looking at what the Bible says and exploring some practical steps that might help.

What Does God Say About Divorce in Destructive Marriages?

This is some of the research I’ve found from Leslie Vernick, and I think it’s so helpful for understanding what God says about divorce.

In Matthew 19, Jesus responds to religious leaders who were trying to trap Him into choosing sides between two Rabbinic schools. The school of Shammai taught that divorce was only permissible in cases of sexual immorality, while the school of Hillel argued that a man could divorce his wife for practically anything—even trivial reasons like burning dinner. While this passage doesn’t directly answer the question ‘What does God say about divorce in destructive marriages?’, it helps set the framework for understanding God’s heart for justice, care, and protection in marriage.” Jesus’ response was revolutionary because it upheld the sanctity of marriage while also protecting women from being discarded and left without support, reflecting God’s care for those in harmful and destructive relationships.

This isn’t about trapping women in destructive relationships. The heart of God’s message is one of care and justice. Marriage was designed to reflect God’s love—a covenant of mutual respect, kindness, and safety. When these elements are absent, we must prayerfully consider what God is truly asking of us, not based on cultural pressures but on His Word and character.

Does God Hate Divorce?

Malachi 2:16 is a verse that’s often quoted to say, “God hates divorce.” However, I’ve come across some fascinating research that sheds new light on this. Recent scholarship, along with the discovery of the Dead Sea Scrolls, reveals that this verse was mistranslated in the King James Version. The original context wasn’t about condemning all divorce—it was about addressing husbands who were divorcing their wives for selfish, trivial reasons, leaving them vulnerable and unprotected.

This verse was never meant to trap women in abusive or destructive marriages. God hates injustice, not divorce that’s necessary for safety or dignity. He cares deeply about your well-being and the well-being of your children. If you’d like to dive deeper into this topic, you can check out this resource: What Malachi 2:16 Really Says.

Is Forgiving and Loving Enough?

Forgiveness doesn’t mean tolerating ongoing abuse. The Bible calls us to forgive, but it also calls us to establish healthy boundaries (Proverbs 4:23) and to walk in wisdom. Staying in a destructive situation isn’t loving—it may actually enable your husband to continue sinning without accountability. God is a God of truth and justice, and He does not ask us to endure harm without seeking safety and restoration.

Your heart is hardening because God created you with a sense of justice, especially for the sake of your children. Emotional destruction isn’t a reflection of God’s love, and staying in a harmful environment can affect your well-being and your children’s perception of what love and respect look like.

Why Divorce in Destructive Marriages May Be a Necessary Step

Christians often lump all divorce together and label it as one thing –wrong. While I hold the sanctity of marriage and believe there are times when divorce is wrong, not all divorce is the same. The question of ‘What does God say about divorce in destructive marriages?’ requires a nuanced approach, understanding that in some cases, divorce may be a necessary step for the safety and dignity of the individual involved. Divorce is certainly hard—there’s no sugarcoating that. But you have the agency to choose your hard, with God’s help.

Here’s the truth: you won’t be able to convince your spouse or anyone else of the validity of your decision. And that’s okay. Sometimes, taking space from your spouse—or even from others who try to pressure or guilt you—might be necessary to hear God’s voice clearly. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t allow healthy, wise people to speak into your life. But it’s important to discern who those voices are and ensure they’re rooted in truth, love, and wisdom.

When your spouse insists that you just need to forgive and accuses you of being the one in the wrong, and you accept that as truth, you’re giving away the power God has given you.

What Does God Say About Divorce in Destructive Marriages?Living for God’s Approval, Not Man’s

Ultimately, this decision isn’t between you and your spouse—it’s between you and God. Live for His approval, not your husband’s. God is the ultimate authority in your life, and He never intended for marriage to become an idol. If staying in your marriage means enduring constant harm (including emotional and mental harm), sacrificing your health, and losing the ability to live the life He’s called you to, it’s worth asking if you’re prioritizing the wrong things.

You only have one life to live, and God calls you to live it well. He has plans for you—plans for a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). There is life, and a good life, on the other side of divorce when it’s done prayerfully, with wisdom, and in alignment with God’s guidance. It’s not easy, but with God, you can step into healing and restoration. Trust that His grace will carry you through. You are not alone, and there is hope.

Understanding that not all divorce is the same gives us clarity and freedom to seek God’s will for our lives. Here’s how to take practical steps forward.

Practical Steps

1. Seek Support and Wisdom: Surround yourself with wise counsel—whether through a Christian counselor, a pastor who understands emotional abuse dynamics, or trusted friends who can pray with you and help you discern next steps.
2. Set Clear Boundaries: It’s good and healthy to set boundaries, such as refusing to engage in conversations where he’s demeaning or manipulative. You can also make counseling a non-negotiable requirement for moving forward.
3. Protect Yourself and Your Children: If there is ongoing harm, it’s important to seek a safe place. This might mean contacting a local domestic violence shelter or advocacy group for resources and advice.
4. Study Scripture for Yourself: Dive into God’s Word and ask Him to reveal His truth about your situation.

3 Steps for Growth and Healing in Emotionally Destructive Marriages

If this resonated with you, here are three steps you can take to start moving forward:

Step 1: Reflect on Safety and Trust ​
Take time to reflect on what safety and trust mean to you. Safety isn’t just physical; it’s emotional, mental, spiritual, financial, and social.

Take a moment to journal and reflect on these questions:

• Do I feel safe—physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually—in this relationship?
• Can I trust my spouse to handle my heart, thoughts, and feelings with care?
• Am I free to be myself without fear of criticism or rejection?

Let your thoughts flow honestly as you write, and invite God into this time of reflection.

Step 2: Check Out Bible-Based Resources​
Explore trusted resources that unpack what the Bible says about divorce. Below are some fantastic resources:

• List of Bible passages on divorce and abuse: www.lifesavingdivorce.com/abuse-in-bible
• Life Saving Divorce book by Gretchen Baskerville
• Relationship Truth: Unfiltered Podcast: www.leslievernick.com/podcast
• When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People book by Gary Thomas
• Boundaries in Marriage book by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Step 3: Submit Your Questions or Reach Out for Coaching

If you’re feeling stuck or unsure, submit your questions here . As a relationship coach, I’d love to walk alongside you. If you’re interested, fill out this form to learn more about coaching options.

In His strength,

Kristin

P.S. Follow me on Instagram for more tips and encouragement on living in truth, finding healing, and stepping into the freedom to be the woman God has called you to be. 💛