What is Covert Emotional Abuse?
An Example of Covert Emotional Abuse
I was feeling down again. It was hard for me to get out of bed and take care of my normal household duties. I left the dishes piled up, toys spread across the floor, and bed unmade. I just didn’t have the energy or motivation to get up and take care of the home, something that had been so easy to do in the past.
My husband was giving me the silent treatment again. I don’t even remember why he got upset with me. It was all a whirlwind. I must have done something wrong. Did I say something wrong? I surely offended him, but I couldn’t quite pinpoint why. He felt disrespected, yet I didn’t think I had done anything disrespectful. But I must have; why else would he be treating me like this. Ignoring me for weeks. Refusing to give me a kiss or hug goodbye.
Also, my children could feel it too. The constant tension in our home. They could see mom was feeling sad. They cleaned up the house for me. Knowing if they didn’t dad would be angry. How had this become my life? On the outside, we served at church. My husband was outgoing and friendly to others. He was a likeable person. To many, we looked like the perfect christian family. Yet on the inside, a much different story was going on.
This is just one example of what covert emotional abuse looks and feels like. For years, I felt like I was riding an emotional roller coaster in my marriage. Never really sure if my husband would come home as Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hide.
What is Covert Emotional Abuse
So, what is covert emotional abuse and how can one recognize the warning signs? In this post I will be sharing what covert emotional abuse is and how to recognize if you are in an emotionally abusive marriage.
First off, any type of abuse is all about gaining power and control over someone. Therefore emotional abuse is defined as the controlling and manipulative emotional behavior that cause a victim to feel shame, threatened, inferior and degraded.
Secondly, let’s examine the differences between overt and covert abuse. Overt abuse is very obvious to everyone around. It’s easy to spot a jerk, you know one when you see one. However, covert is hidden. It is not obvious to outsiders and many times it’s not even obvious to the ones closest to the abuser.
In addition, the victims are the only ones seeing this other side of the person, yet it can even be subtle, and it is very confusing. Abusers blame and shame the victims, and in turn victims blame themselves. This is why it takes so long to even have awareness of what is actually happening in your marriage.
What are Warning Signs of Covert Emotional Abuse?
So, what are the warning signs of covert emotional abuse? There are several red flags to look out for. These are manipulative tactics an emotional abuser uses to remain superior and to continue pushing down the victim to keep her inferior.
Warning Signs of Covert Emotional Abuse
UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
- Nothing you do is ever good enough – has impossible high standards
- Constantly finding the wrong in what you do
- Lecturing you about every mistake you make
- Micro-managing you – nitpicking about everything you do
- Expects you to check in with him constantly
INVALIDATES YOU
- He plays the victim, his problem is bigger than yours
- When confronted, he somehow turns the blame on you
- He is constantly interrupting or talking over you
- He makes jokes at your expense and then says you’re too sensitive or emotional
CREATES CHAOS & CONFUSION
- When hurt, he will withdraw or stonewall you
- When confronted, he throws an adult temper tantrum with anger and rage
- Gaslights you – denies, blame shifts, minimizes and causes confusion
- He withdraws physical affection from you as punishment
- He withdraws emotionally from you
- Provokes you by stirring up strife and picking a fight with you
ACTS SUPERIOR
- Everything must be done his way. His way is the only right way.
- He doesn’t see you as an individual, you are an extension of himself
- He is thinned skinned and takes even the slightest confrontation personal
- He belittles you – finds ways to put you down, making himself “big” and you “small”
BUSTS BOUNDARIES
- Rejects and retaliates against healthy boundaries you set or try to set
- Tries to apologize, but is not sincere. It is a way to manipulate and give false hope that they have changed
Also, remember if you notice a pattern of these destructive behaviors, it’s abuse.
So, that my friend, is what covert emotional abuse is. It’s a way to control and have power over someone by using emotionally destructive and manipulative behaviors.
Lastly, people may dismiss covert abuse. The outside world sees a friendly, amiable guy. You might think to yourself, is it really that bad that he gives me the silent treatment for weeks? Is it really a big deal?
Undeniably YES, it is serious. If you were experiencing physical abuse, you wouldn’t question leaving someone. Yet, why do we justify and stay when it is emotional abuse. The damaging affects are just as bad, if not worse.
From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so.
James 3:10
Finally, there is hope for you to get healing and healthy. If you are looking for the next step to take, check out emotional abuse workbook that gives you the knowledge and awareness of emotional abuse and gives you baby steps to start a journey of healing in just 7 days.
